“Valentine’s Day,” directed by Gary Marshall, is all about mushiness and juvenile sentiments.

Los Angeles residents exchange handcrafted greetings cards, heart-shaped chocolates and slobbery public displays of affection.

Marshall’s movie wraps us up in the interconnected tales of 10 L.A. residents as they plunge through their bittersweet hallmark holiday. Bodacious, frenzied characters fall in and out of love, cut ties and renew vows all in a single day.Opening Friday, “Valentine’s Day” stars Jessica Alba, Taylor Swift, Ashton Kutcher, Taylor Lautner, Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx and what appears to be the rest of Hollywood.Although his all-star cast is the largest in movie history, Marshall’s characters are depthless and two-dimensional.

Premature love and forced pathos are at the heart of his comedy.Cynics will cringe at many relationships and storylines as they are cliché and offer nothing we haven’t already seen in a Hollywood romantic comedy.

Taylor Swift’s jock boyfriend, Taylor Lautner probably won’t attract more than loyal Twilighters.

Swift, with her shrill voice and elementary mentality, seems to only add more fluff to this Hollywood redundancy.

Everything she says seems contrived, and too forced for comedy.Like most of his characters, Marshall’s film simply lacked substance.Anne Hathaway’s character takes credit for sending a few of us out of the theater early and gasping for fresh air.

Her story revolves around a secret sex job she eventually fails to keep hidden from her boyfriend (Topher Grace) and new boss (Queen Latifah).

All we hear from her are creative, foreign accents and R-rated monologues she releases over her office telephone.Instead, the phone sex scene is replayed over and over, to the point that her groaning becomes entirely unfunny.Ashton Kutcher, who plays Reed, owns a flower shop – the hub of all action where characters exchange warm greetings and disclose their hidden affairs.

The movie’s only tension sparks when the two-faced Dr. Harrison Copeland (Dempsey) abashedly orders flowers for his wife … and his girlfriend, while speaking in a secretive language Reed calls “florist code.” We see Copeland as the “player,” a man juggling two lives – the only character who adds substance.His storyline honestly and hilariously illustrates a bitter side of reality.Biel also portrays that bitter side, neurotically skimping around in a pencil skirt.

She’s plays the stereotypical self-loathing single woman.

If she’s not multitasking herself into oblivion, she’s literally and figuratively falling for her boss (Jamie Foxx) and stuffing her face with fried carbohydrates to fill her emotional voids. I thought this was unoriginal in every way.What’s also lame is that Marshall plays on nothing more than stereotypes to diversify Valentine’s Day.

He tosses in a short Indian man who is visibly pro-marriage and overexcited about orchestrating Jessica Alba’s wedding.

Sometime in the flower shop, several cloaked monks pass through other love-dazed shoppers.

Later, we hear shoppers exchange a God-themed joke that juxtaposes religiosity and the rosy nature of Valentine’s Day.

These are cheap attempts at adding “multiculturalism” to a movie.For the most part, starry characters are stumbling around in and outsides their offices, urban streets, distinctly “hybrid” cars.

Although these slapstick scenes had audience members doubled over, there were scenes that seemed almost undirected.Award-winning composer John Debney’s musical score – jammed with trite lyrics, connects well to some scattered moments involving car crashes, air travel impediments and a foot chase hilariously known as a “foxtrot.”The soundtrack does surprise us with one electric moment, when it jolts us into Tupac’s “California Love.” Abrupt seconds moved the audience to cheers, applause, and some out of their seats.A poppy track later sets the tone for possibly the most mentally scarring mishap in the movie – the hilariousness that ensues when Emma Robert’s boyfriend unexpectedly encounters her mother in Roberts’ bedroom.

Perhaps, the closest this movie got to giving us a stomach workout. Marshall’s romantic comedy will appeal to Valentine’s Day enthusiasts and fans of funny but easily forgettable vignettes.

However, moviegoers seeking newness may not last through 117 minutes of thischildishly adulterated film.

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