I’ve come up with a brilliant idea! It’s even better than the overhead alarm clock that sounds off each morning with a light in your eyes, spraying water in your face (patent pending) and far more practical than building a shelf out of waxed fruit. – apples, specifically.

So here’s how it happened: I was thinking to myself that I want to do more for others. You know, in addition to smiling at bums and telling strangers when there’s something in their teeth.

Unfortunately, all the fundraisers for big-deal causes are the same. Run for breast cancer, bike ride for cystic fibrosis and, most recently, the walk for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

All wonderful causes that I’d love to actively support but why do they insist on walking? I walk to school and let me tell you, it’s boring. No fun at all, really. And running? It’s even worse, completely unnecessary and bad for the knees, or so I hear.

I boycotted walking recently. It’s sort of a silent protest, really. No more walking for Jen White until someone really concerned with my personal well-being (and positive walking publicity) buys me an iPod. I just can’t see how I can continue to go on, or walk on, without one. No offers so far, but I’m optimistic. If interested, I can be contacted at the e-mail below.

Sorry, I digress. Anyway, I remembered how we used to have Jump Rope for Heart in elementary school. It was fantastic and the entire school participated. Everyone wanted to jump rope! We’re older now but that doesn’t mean our attention spans are any better nor does it mean we’ve become absolutely dry and unimaginative. Did I mention the sorts of revolutionary ideas I’ve been coming up with?

I mean, really folks – walking? That’s the best you guys can come up with? Half the population is fat; do you really think they want to walk?

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that it’s all the same clan of in-shape, cheery bastards going to every one of these events anyway. They all ride their damn bikes together in one big V-formation all over the state to get to the next 8 a.m. “Run for Immortality,” pumped up on Gatorade and granola bars. That’s great for them and all but what about us ordinary philanthropic folks, you know, the ones without super human strength and buns of steel?

I’d like to see some events out there with a little creativity and fun involved. I’m not asking for much, really. I’d still be happy with jump ropes and boom boxes.

This is constructive criticism, really. Let’s brainstorm together, what do you say? Here are some of my ideas:This first one’s obvious really – Trampolines! We’ve seen the success jump roping has had, now add some springs into the mix and we can do flips! The press would be thrilled to have photos that don’t include sweaty sprinters with fanny packs and I can guarantee all the men in surrounding areas would show up. Bounce for leprosy!

How about Pilates in the park? Or yoga, or tai chi – something anyone can do and learn while participating. It doesn’t even have to be active, really. Guitar lessons for Breast Cancer, it’s perfect. You know, I remember hearing about an orgasm marathon in San Francisco one time. Now there’s an ingenious idea. I believe the competition for the most orgasms in 12 hours was only for women but there’s no reason why men can’t take part as well (in separate divisions of course). The Men’s and Women’s Orgasm Championships 2006, all proceeds go to – AIDS research? Who wouldn’t want to participate?

I admit that some of my ideas are unorthodox. Okay, that last one especially. But I think I’ve made my point. We should want to be involved in a good cause despite the event’s creativity and they don’t have to make it interesting, but it would be refreshingly fun if they did. Start with something simple. No orgasms just a good, old-fashioned pie-eating contest. I’m positive that no one could turn down “Pie for Diabetes!” It’s just too good.

Contact Jen White at [email protected]