I don’t have time to write this column. There are comments and messages, bulletins and blogs all vying for my attention. Friends I haven’t talked to in ten years that I have to find. And the guy I’ve been checking out in class? I bet he’s on there too! Yeah, there’s no time to write a silly column, not when you’re addicted to MySpace.

I always said I wanted to be addicted to something. Call me crazy – I thought it would add character. So I tried everything I could stomach or smoke (sans coffee and cigarettes), and sugar was the closest I ever got to addiction.

Yeah, there were some strenuous early mornings that I didn’t think I could get by without a pack of sour straws and an energy drink. I was a damned fiend up until some mumbo-jumbo doctor started blabbin’ on about diabetes and intervention and whatnot. Quack. Sugar and I had some good times together, even if we were twitchin’ all over the place.

But all good things must come to an end. There’s no time for sugar these days. There’s no time for homework or sleep or any special interests because before I do any of those things I just have to check my MySpace one last time.

(This is the point when my editor will tell me to fill all you clueless, sober, pre-Internet-era saps in on what the hell MySpace is). It sounds silly when you say it out loud (or type it), really. It’s a Web site – an online community – a meeting Mecca for everyone from your younger sister to your fraternity brothers. Members are supposed to be at least 18, but I worked with 10-year-olds this summer who were all about the site; no parental signature required.

So how do you become addicted to a Web site without any porn on it, you ask? Well, first each person gets their own e-mail system on their own personal Web site where anyone (preferably people you know or attractive strangers) can send you a message or request to be added as your friend. Then there’s the bulletin board where you can post a quick note to all your friends and the instant messages for when you see that your buddies are on the site. Sure I sound like a nerd, but you want it already don’t you?

But wait, there’s more! B-list celebrities, bands, and comedians are on MySpace too! Hal Sparks, Dane Cook, The Lovemakers, Mickey Avalon (check them out) – oh yeah, they’re my friends – on MySpace, that is.

Clearly, Tom (the creator of MySpace) is the dealer of my Internet crack. He can keep you going even when there are no messages or new comments from friends. You can work on the design of your page; make it whatever colors with whatever backgrounds you want. You can search for interesting (single) folks in your area or even at your school! And now there’s a Sacramento State MySpace site where you can rate professors, look for an apartment and (gasp!) add classes!

MySpace is your one-stop-shopping. But even if it helps your social life and schedule, buyers beware! Heed this advice from a self-tested, non-addictive personality: MySpace kills. Okay, not really, but it is an awfully large addition to your procrastination techniques, and I’m not sure if you can handle it. I don’t think I can. One of these days I just might tell Tom, “We can’t be friends any longer.” Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But one of these days –

Jen White can be contacted at [email protected]