In the words of Roger Ebert, I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate this movie.

Never before have I been so ready to walk out of a film. “Life or Something Like It” is truly a test to personal resolve. That I had to write this review was the only anchor that held me to my seat in the theater. Hopefully from my torture others can be forewarned.

The best thing about this film were the peaceful minutes before the movie started. I seated myself in the middle of the doomed theater, and stared at the blank screen. I wondered what may come from this new Angelina Jolie movie. In films like “Gia,” “Playing by Heart,” and “Girl, Interrupted” I found myself enamored with her characters. I had hopes that this film would produce the same effects, and at the very least I prayed that it would be better than “Gone in Sixty Seconds. “

Unfortunately for me, this was not so. Out of the starting gate, the movie gives that feeling like you just swallowed a doorknob. The opening sequence, which details Jolie’s character, Lanie, growing up into womanhood, is the kind of swampy goo that just turns the stomach.

Let me break down the story for you: Lanie’s life is her career. She knows everybody, but she doesn?t seem to know anyone. Her high-profile reporter job requires her to be stiff and demanding.

Enter the made-for-Edward Burns role, played, surprisingly, by Edward Burns. Burns is Lanie?s cameraman and old flame. Burns’ character is literally meant to portray a pioneer of life, and is dressed for the part in a flannel shirt and scruffy beard. Such differences between the Burns character and Lanie place the two at odds. However, the sparks that fly between them only show how perfect they are for each other.

Enter Mr. Street Prophet, also known as a plot device, to cause chaos in the main character’s life. Tony Shalhoub plays the device in question. Another great actor slumming in this film, Shalhoub predicts that Lanie is going to die within a week.

Enter Lanie’s midlife crisis. Lanie decides to throw caution at the wind, and reverts back to a time in her life when she was more carefree.

Predictably, she loses her job, starts a relationship with Burns, and starts a new life with her estranged family. All of this does wonderfully well for her until she reconsiders her belief that she is going to die. In that instant, she loses her new philosophy of life, and acts much like the Lanie we knew in the beginning. How surprising. In the end we are left with some paint-by-numbers dialogue, and a makes-you-feel-all-snuggly-inside ending. Yuck!

All of the above leads to a pretentious plotline and culminates in an all-too-predictable conclusion. The dialogue and emotion is incredibly cheesy. The characters don’t really seem to care about one another or the events of their world.

What makes this film completely frustrating though, is its inability to decide where it wants to go. The film tries to be a romantic-comedy, a dramatic epic and a social commentary all wrapped up in one. It fails miserably, and while the audience is forced to follow while the film searches for some sort of direction, one cannot help but get lost in the darkness of its mediocrity.

Along with the absence of a sturdy plot, the film ultimately lacks creativity and has no surprises. Though a good movie should not be defined by its deceptiveness, it should have at least the smallest ounce of originality. That this film scored Oscar-winner Jolie, acclaimed writer/director Burns and up-and-comer Shalhoub is the movie’s only true accomplishment.

On the sunny side, however, the film teaches a lot about making the wrong decisions. Horrible mistakes are sometimes unavoidable, and they happen every day. There are people who forget to turn off their ovens, others put their car in reverse when they meant to put it in drive. Edward Burns and Angelina Jolie made this dumb movie, and I went and saw it. Be sure not to add yourself to this list of screw-ups, and side step “Life or Something Like It.”