The State Hornet

Sierra’s Spicy Takes: ‘Love triangles’

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Meet the face behind the new advice column at The State Hornet

Meet the face behind the new advice column at The State Hornet "Sierra's Spicy Takes," Sierra Savage.

Photo and illustrations by Emily Rabasto - The State Hornet

Photo and illustrations by Emily Rabasto - The State Hornet

Meet the face behind the new advice column at The State Hornet "Sierra's Spicy Takes," Sierra Savage.

Sierra Savage, Distribution manager

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Reader be advised: Sierra’s Spicy Takes is, as the kids might say, NSFW. Read at your own discretion.

Not gonna lie guys, this week made me sad.

This week we talk about what to do when you’re in a “love triangle,” but it’s not exciting and cool as all the teen novels made it seem like it would be.

Q: “When I met my best friend, I was in love with him. I felt like I had known him through lifetimes. But he went from relationship to relationship and I convinced myself I had no chance, and so we became good friends and I loved that too. I met my current partner some time after and I love them dearly.

“But I now know that he has always felt the same way about me. He doesn’t ask anything of me, but I feel heartbroken every day. I’m not ready to leave my partner and I’m not ready to lose my best friend. I don’t know what to do.”

  • Twisted Sister

A: This is the type of quality tea I have always hoped to find for Spicy Takes. Now that I have it, it’s just not as sweet; maybe because of my experience in a comparable situation.

A boy we will call Eli and I dated for about 2 ½ years. I have been intentionally vague about this story with the people in my real life ever since, but I think this story is too relevant to not include it with this question.

I want to acknowledge before anything else that I don’t believe either of us were at fault. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out.

We had always had our ups and downs, but in the months leading up to our eventual breakup, we were experiencing our most consistent extreme highs and extreme lows.

The month before, he went to San Diego Comic Con with his best friend for what would most likely be the last time, and I stayed home.

For the next part of the story to make sense, it’ll be important for you to know that years before this, my best friend at the time, whom we will call Olivia, swooped in and dated the boy of my teenage dreams, whom we will call Ezra. I had some unresolved feelings (mostly physical attraction) before I even met Eli, but he was aware of them.

These feelings came flooding back a few days into Eli’s trip.

I had already been doing a lot of reading on the concept of polyamorous, or open, relationships, but the way that I felt about another person made me feel terrible about myself.

I spent most of the week crying to a very close circle of friends about what a horrible person it must make me to want to sleep with someone outside of my very committed relationship.

At that point in time, my only real options were to pretend I didn’t feel this way and lie to Eli, or tell him and break his heart.

On top of all this, he had two back-to-back family emergencies, but couldn’t afford to come home sooner than was planned. He was understandably distraught.

Still, I knew I had to tell him. I pretty much sobbed the entire time. I explained the abstract idea of me wanting to sleep with someone outside of our relationship. I felt like the biggest bitch to ever walk the Earth.

Things only got worse when he asked me who. We both already knew who it was. Spoiler alert: it was Ezra.

I was in a lose-lose situation and Eli knew that. He said he would think about it and we moved on. There’s only so many hours in a row you can talk about something so emotionally traumatizing. We continued to live life as we knew it the best that we could.

A week later, Eli was out with a friend when I received a text that he was flirting with one of my best friend’s friends from high school. We broke up about four days later.

There’s more to this story, because you can never really cover such a complex thing in just a couple hundred words, but that’s the gist.

I’m only telling this story because I want this reader and question asker to know that she’s not alone, so hopefully you’re not too upset Eli.

This was something that we just couldn’t get through. We simply lacked the communication tools. Eli had always been uncomfortable with me being attracted to Ezra and, in my opinion, this just pushed him over the edge.

I don’t really feel like there’s anything I would do differently. The relationship was eventually going to die. I don’t think that either of us really sabotaged it but it did die faster than it would have because of this.

I had feelings (romantic or otherwise) for someone else and it broke my partners heart. I will always regret that.

I will never regret being honest with him. I will always assert the importance of honesty over most other things.

If all parties are interested, consider an open relationship. There are many reasons this idea may or may not work, and figuring that out can be awkward. Weigh the factors and explore it as an option. Maybe no one has to lose.

Unfortunately, to me, this feels like a lose-lose situation. Much like my story, you can either be honest with yourself and your current partner, or you can continue to keep this feeling bottled up.

You should do what your heart tells you; but if I were your partner, I’d want to know.

By your descriptor of “heartbroken,” I would guess you’re not entirely happy, and you owe it to yourself to chase your own happiness, even if that means ending a relationship.

I’m sorry I don’t have a magical solution for you where you can have it all but if you want to reach out again, I will gladly respond.

Thanks for writing in Twisted Sister, and good luck.

If you have better advice for me or for my readers, please write in and your responses may be published. Don’t forget to submit your questions here or below and come back next week to read more Spicy Takes with Sierra!

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