Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Now all you smokers, don’t hurt yourselves, you’ve got too much to live for – like coughing up brown, semi-solid lung butter. And tumors – lots of juicy tumors. Your bodies aren’t necessarily like temples, but more like downtown Los Angeles in mid-July. But hey, it’s worth it, right? I mean, you look so damn sexy puffing away like Humphrey Bogart, James Dean or that old lady with the hole in her neck from that cancer commercial.

Sacramento State has its issues when it comes to smoking. The University has a “20/20” policy that refers to the distance smokers need to stand from doors and walkways on campus. Although the idea means well, the policy is only a formality and the signs are a mere decorative slogan to suggest the idea of keeping the stench out of campus buildings and the lungs of the student body. I would bet that nobody has ever received a citation or fine or anything beyond an obligatory cough or disgusted look.

Before you cry out in rage, “But Josh, smokers have a right to cancer!” I want to let everyone know that I would never, ever keep you from achieving that goal. I also don’t want to make this seem like I’m against smokers, or that you’re not good people. But the fact is, you stink.

Nobody wants to smell you or those sexy puffs of love coming from your lungs. But it’s the equivalent of someone ripping a fart, cupping it, and wafting it up to your face. It’d stink just as bad and would be just as rude. In fact, all the times that I’ve slyly executed this move, it’s produced a pretty negative reaction. I’m kidding of course. But seriously, I’ve done it.

Now I understand that enforcement of the 20/20 rule is next to impossible. And I can’t imagine campus police dragging people away in cuffs because they made a stinky in the breezeway. Painting yellow lines 20 feet surrounding every door and hallway on campus could be a solution, but the campus would end up looking like a cluttered and curved roadmap to nowhere and campus sororities would have no place to tell their little sisters how much they love them.

Another, more practical idea may be to designate special areas for smokers to unwind when they’re feeling stressed out. The San Francisco airport has a large glass room inside the terminal for smokers to suck one down while they wait for their flights. So why should Sac State accept any less? Just think: you’re walking through the breezeway and you come upon a large glass cage of thick smoke and something catches your eye. You stop and squint, trying to see past the opaque oblivion for any sign of life. Then suddenly, a professor in a tweed jacket and horn-rimmed glasses emerges, feeling brisk and refreshed.

To quote the great Sam Cooke, “What a wonderful world it would be.”

But don’t expect either of these suggestions to materialize any time soon. It would seem that we’re stuck trying to navigate around the airborne pollution that’s become so accepted. So to increase compliance with this health-conscious policy, the task to end hallway smokers falls to us, the students. So whenever you encounter one of these doorway or hallway smokers, do your best to do a “cup and waft” of your own personal repellant. I’m not sure which of the two would be the lesser evil, but we’ll sure have a lot of fun.

Josh Huggett can be reached at [email protected]