A few weeks ago, I approached my editor, Robert Alvis, about the possibility of the two of us teaming up to play in the Rec Sports Best Ball/Scramble Golf Tournament, held on October 10th at Bartley Cavanaugh Golf Course. He agreed to play with me, although had he known then what he knows now, I doubt he would have. What follows is a running diary of our performance.

First hole: So I might have been a bit late. I thought the tourney started at 1:00 pm, but apparently I was wrong. I missed the first hole, which was best ball. It worked out ok, though. Robert shot a bogey, and I got a good walk in to get to the first green to catch up with my group.

Second Hole: One thing about my ability to drive. I can hit the ball quite far. It’s the straight part that I need to work on. I think I might have scared someone on the next hole over. It’s really windy out here though, so I think that excuse should work for a while.

Third Hole: At least I can putt–sometimes. You know, this game is a heck of a lot easier on the PlayStation.

Seventh Hole: Great drive. I used my three iron, kept the ball under the wind, which has not decreased one bit, and managed to literally skip the ball up almost to the green. Not bad, but of course, Robert manages to save my non-athletic hindquarters when I managed to pitch the ball way the hell over the back of the green. This is getting ugly.

Eighth Hole: This hole is the hole that we what to drive closest to the hole. Some sort of reward is involved. Robert hits a great shot that lands about 10 feet from the hole. I hit it onto a green as well, the one we had just left. It’s ok, though, we are not too far behind, mainly because Robert is absolutely killing the ball. I think he is picturing my face on it. As it turns out, there is a dead frog right next to where we put the tape measure down for the other teams, so I put the frog on top of he tape measure. Maybe no one will want to touch the tape and that drive will stand up.

Ninth Hole: So, we made it to the halfway point and I realized something. We did not use a single one of my scores from the previous nine. There is a certain amount of pride in sucking that hard. It’s like Mike Maroth losing 20 games. The Tigers wouldn’t keep trotting him out there if he weren’t good enough to keep playing. I’ve made a few shots; I just haven’t strung enough together to get on the board.

Tenth Hole: I hit a great drive. Landed square in the fairway… next to us. It’s finally time to realize that it’s not the wind. I suck. I suppose it would help if I played anywhere near as much as I did in high school. The consolation is that at least I have a sense of humor about all this… a big sense of humor.

Thirteenth Hole: Is it a bad sign when the ducks are walking across the fairway as I tee off with no apparent concerns? Is it?

Seventeenth Hole: This is the signature hole of the course. A short little 85-yard shot–onto an island. Want to guess where my ball ended up? I think I have set some sort of record for balls lost in a round. I know that it’s getting bad when Robert is threatening to make me pay back his entry fee. He claims to have had hopes of winning this thing and that he sort of understands how the USA Men’s Basketball team felt in Athens. It’s so cute when dreams die like that…

Eighteenth Hole: One and done. This is it. Time to step up and salvage a round that has become painful. Of course, my drive gets no loft, skips off a tee box and into the water hazard. I know things are bad when the rest of group is comparing me to State Hornet Editor-in-Chief Jimmy Spencer.

Nineteenth Hole: Soda and sandwiches. It’s been a great tournament. We shot 2 under par for the course and, oh, wait, I’m channeling the spirit of the group behind us. Robert and I, mostly Robert, shot a 91, which should be good for second to last place or so. Robert has now officially banned me from participating in any State Hornet athletic teams. Forever. The good news is that someone else, not to point fingers at Rec Sports Director Ken Morton, shot a 102 on the course. Robert and I are safely not last. I’m thinking of trying to get him to play again next time they run this. But I think Steve Bartman has a better chance of catching a Cubs game in Wrigley Field than I do of convincing Robert to play in my group again.