Everyone seems to be jumping on the “I hate” video-rant bandwagon, so I guess I’ll don my sheep costume and follow the herd.

I hate, absolutely hate, when my guy friends complain about performing oral. I don’t care how bad you think it may be, I can guarantee you she does not think your penis tastes like a lollipop.

Allow me to elaborate.

You’re in the throes of an unbearably awesome makeout session. She begins unbuttoning your jeans and all you’re thinking is “Awesome!” She tugs at your boxers with her teeth and you’re thinking “Yes! Yes! YES!”

Then she skips right over the tongue-twisting foreplay you love, and starts pleasing herself as if you’re not even in the room. “DAMN!”

Disappointed?

Performing 15 minutes of eye-watering, throat-parching oral sex antics and receiving nothing in return is just that – utter disappointment.

I hate that I have to admit my guy friends are a bunch of cowardly, pansy ass, selfish twits. I hate that I have to remind them this is not eighth-grade health class and the vagina does not have teeth. It’s inexcusable to expect your partner to go through the motions of performing oral sex without so much as a nod of anything in return.

Guys, you already receive an entire week devoted to blow jobs thanks to the monthly curse WE endure. Any other reason not to reciprocate (with the exception of hygiene) is a cop-out.

“Girls just don’t taste good and it hurts my neck…” or “Why bother if she doesn’t ask me?”

These are the pathetic excuses that come flying out of the mouths of people I once considered the most generous friends I have. I am speechless, disappointed and, to say the least, enraged.

So, I dedicate this rant to those certain male individuals who mistakenly think deep-throating is a self-fulfilling activity women aspire to every morning over coffee.

We do not.

It is not fun, you do not taste good, it is uncomfortable and your childish desire to spray fluids without so much as a warning is irritating.

And yet, without invitation, without complaints and often despite of the fact you are selfish and don’t reciprocate, we do it. Why? Well, as of late, I have doubts, but essentially it is because sex is better when you know the other party is enjoying it as much as you are.

I hate the question, “Women don’t ask, so why should we offer?” It is not an honest question. But I will give you an honest answer.

We do not ask for oral because that locker room talk – the trash you say in front of your friends – gets back to us. Who wants to ask for something they hear their lover hates, even despises? Who wants to be the topic of complaint at next week’s basketball game or guys’ night out? No one, that’s who.

For those of you who are scratching your head in disbelief, try something for me. Go home and tell your significant other you are looking forward to running your tongue across her. That you cannot wait to put her into a post-orgasm coma.

You could plan a secret time together and completely surprise her by enjoying making her really happy.

Here is the deeper, darker secret you should know.

Remember the 15 minutes of eye-watering, throat-parching oral sex antics I was talking about? The moments of tongue-twisting, back-tingling, awesome oral you’re looking for? Those moments are more likely to happen, and with enthusiasm, if you’re willing to do your part.

Don’t be one of “those guys.” The guys who sit around and complain about how much they hate when their girlfriend asks for oral. How bad the neck cramps are or the taste isn’t like spearmint gum.

Those guys who women think are self-centered pigs. Yeah, that’s right – those guys! Be a guy who offers, reciprocates and assures his lady that giving is part of the fun.

You will be thinking, “Awesome!” and she’ll be thinking, “Finally! A guy who gets it.” Or she’ll just say your name a lot, but essentially it means the same thing.

Don’t be a pansy. Buck up, grow a pair and remember – if you give us our 15 minutes, we’ll give you yours.