Endless copies of monotonous columns and pitiful efforts for the rare laugh failed to justify my placement in the Celebrity Softball Challenge this past Sunday.

The fans at Hornet Field couldn’t help but feel cheated watching me, a D-minus-list celebrity, fill a lineup strengthened by C-to-B-list celebs. But on this crisp, glorious sun-filled afternoon, I couldn’t care less what others thought, it was my turn to shine.

I was no longer bound by margins and I didn’t have to keep my thoughts to 500 words; I would not be edited on this magnificent Sunday.

Other “celebrities” seemed to carry a sentiment that they didn’t want to be there. They stood there, free of emotion, free of expression, free of meaning.

But still, how I envied their composure, their self-control, their serenity. I, on the other hand, found myself shaking at the knees and trembling in speech at the chance to finally meet lifelong idols Big Henry Locs and D-Funk from 103.5 The Bomb. I nearly fainted into the infield dirt when I got my first glimpse of teen icon and local NBC news correspondent Dave Walker.

Jimmy Spencer wasn’t here for himself, though; he was here for his three-to-four fans (I’m exaggerating greatly) that may only make it to just one celebrity softball game in their lifetime. This may be my only chance at making a lasting impression — I cannot let them down. So I pulled down my ball cap, regained control of my nerves and settled into the man that would dictate this game.

My first at-bat ended in disappointment. I took a mighty hack at what looked like a floating knuckleball and fouled a weak squib down the line to strike out. Yes, celebrity softball not only starts the hitter off with a 1-1 count, but they also consider foul balls, strikes… BULL$#%&!

I headed back to the bench dejected… but then I remembered my buddy/intramural basketball teammate Miguel, who has upped his average from 3.2 to 9.8 points per game over the course of just a few games. His image of determination will hold a lasting impression within my heart, but it also meant that the opposition better not count me out just yet.

My anxiety intensified as I stood in right field through the top of the ninth inning. Our squad was down 12-3 and I was due up seventh in the bottom half of the inning, now 0-for-2. Mathematically, I knew my swing could put us just two runs behind — fate was knocking at my door.

As we headed into the bottom of the final inning the tension in the crowd was building. All eyes were on me.

Just as I imagined, my table was set. With two outs, two runners on, and down just a handful of runs, I was ready to face destiny.

Could I end the day hitless? Would I forever be known as Jimmy “The Horrible Celebrity Softball Player Going 0-for-3 Without Any Spectacular Plays In The Field” Spencer? No. Not this Sunday. Not in front of these fans — I couldn’t allow it to happen.

I dug my cleats into the box; I tapped my bat on the plate and began staring down the pitcher. I studied his footwork, watched his hands nervously shake while holding the softball, and, most importantly, I watched his eyes. When he set himself to throw, I knew exactly what was coming… the lob!

Clutching my bat, eyes now focused upon a radiant ball spiraling towards me, I swung and released all energy at the hanging softball. Spinning off my bat the ball drove through the infield just past a diving third baseman. The bases had cleared and I found myself standing at second base with a two RBI double. I tipped my hat to the crowd and smiled for the camera. A star had been born.

The game ended on a routine fly ball to right, but it didn’t matter. Because I wasn’t in this game to win, I was there for my fans and myself. I offered no congratulations to the winners, for I feel they cheated. I did thank my teammates, because without them the fans wouldn’t have got what they wanted: Me driving in runs. They say going 1-for-3 will get you in the Hall of Fame. I say it better.

“Well, maybe we can do this again sometime,” I asked the promotions director.

“No,” the gentleman responded. “I don’t think so, Jimmy.”

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