Clint Eastwood’s newest contribution to the big screen, “J. Edgar,” will leave you looking at the inside of your eyelids or down the barrel of a loaded pistol – really, anything but the screen.

Yes, it’s that boring.

Much like Sunday Mass, but without the opportunity for another fat gulp of wine once entering the theater.

Though there may be a couple parts which catch your attention, such as Leonardo DiCaprio wearing an old man costume and makeup, overall, the flick is a snooze-fest.

The movie portrays the life of J. Edgar Hoover from the young age of 22 until his death at age 77. “J. Edgar” more or less built the FBI from the ground up after he was given the position of Director of the Bureau of Investigation. He then worked on cases like the Lindbergh baby kidnapping, and outlined what falls under federal jurisdiction.

Lasting a whopping two hours and 17 minutes, the movie leaves plenty of time to catch a quick nap and still feel like you haven’t missed a thing – much like that late-night freshman history class.

In defense of the movie, how do you depict a man’s entire life in an hour and a half? Yet sitting in a well-used movie theater for two hours plus gets uncomfortable – to say the least – especially for a history lesson.

DiCaprio portrays Hoover extremely well. You get the sense he immersed himself in the role. He also pulls off an old man a whole lot better than his co-star Armie Hammer, who plays J. Edgar’s second-in-command and life partner Clyde Tolson.

The movie flips back and forth between Hoover’s younger years and his older to tie events together. An example is the beginning of the Lindbergh kidnapping case, the dead baby being found and then finally, the accused killer being caught.

The opening scene portrays an elderly Hoover; at this early point murmurs could be heard throughout the theater – “I hope it’s not like this the whole time.” Too bad about one third of the movie was about the old Hoover.

You didn’t get the impression about Hoover’s alleged homosexuality until he asked Tolson to take the position as his No. 2.

“Only if we never miss a lunch or a dinner,” replied Tolson.

The response seemed over-acted by Hammer and gave the scene a startling comical tone.

Hammer as an old man was just plain hard to take seriously. It seemed any moment he might expose himself and scream, “Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass.”

Two-thirds through the movie, Tolson has a stroke and loses some mobility and speech. It’s sad to say, but this also offers comic relief when DiCaprio barks at him to speak up and not to mumble. Hoover really comes off as a stone-cold jerk, possibly from a life of seeking motherly approval and living in an era when homosexuality was not accepted.

Hoover’s mother does not come off as a great person. After he attempts to come out to his mother, she shoots down any possibility of accepting her son for who he is.

“I’d rather have a dead son than daffodil son,” she told him while teaching a grown J. Edgar to dance.

If movies were graded, “J. Edgar” would get a C-minus. It’s not a good movie when you feel like choking on your hot dog would be a lot less painful than sticking it out until the end. The History Channel should have distributed this as one of the most expensive educational movies ever made.

Ben Dewey can be reaced at [email protected].