Brian Wilson is my hero.

How can you not love a guy who not only wins a World Series, but also has a beard with a tan, and is a certified mind-assassin?

Well normally I wouldn’t. Mostly because I have a deep-seated hatred of all that is the San Francisco Giants. Those feelings aside, I just can’t bring myself to hate closer Brian Wilson. It’s quite the opposite. I feel like if I were a man, I would be Brian Wilson.

I don’t fear the beard, like Giants fans would want me to. I do, however, respect the beard. In an interview, Wilson was asked by a reporter if he colored his quite obviously dyed chin hair, and he replied that he didn’t and that it was just tan.

It is certainly the only beard that I have ever heard of that is capable of tanning. It’s funny to me though that his beard is a tanning sun worshiper, while his faux hawk thing he has growing from his head remains a normal shade of brown. It’s obviously an unexplainable phenomenon.

It seems like it would be difficult to not love someone who willingly makes himself look like they got into a fight with an electric razor and lost.

It’s also difficult to not love someone who looks like his facial hair was dipped into a bucket of the blackest black paint just for the heck of it.

Not only is every hair growth on his body apparently ridiculously awesome, but this guy swears he is a certified ninja. He took a training course that took exactly 12 minutes. His specialty in the ninja world is supposedly being a mind assassin, and this skill helps in closing out games. My childhood dream was to be best friends with a ninja &- no joke.

The ninja always likes to cause a stir, and I can’t help but enjoy that about him. He once got in trouble for wearing neon orange Nikes that weren’t up to par with the uniform requirements, so he used a Sharpie to color up just enough to pass regulation. He was fined $1,000 for wearing these “distracting” shoes.

The surprising thing about it all is that minus the over-the-top beard that looks like felt and the random mullet-like faux hawk, Wilson is actually an extremely attractive man. I would have never guessed that.

But one thing that makes people even more attractive is their sense of humor, and sometimes I wonder if Wilson should replace his dirt mound with a poorly lit stage and a single microphone. Instead of pitching to secure world titles, he could be competing to be the Last Comic Standing.

He did an interview in January on Lopez Tonight, and he showed up dressed as a seaman, and cracked jokes about Chuck Norris.

“Chuck Norris is known to throw pitches at a 100 miles per hour,” Wilson said. “I’m known to throw Chuck Norris at a 100 miles per hour.”

Hands down, Wilson is the funniest man in baseball and I love him.

Don’t get any ideas, though. This doesn’t mean I have any soft spot for the Giants.

Cassie Kolias can be reached at [email protected]