Lindsay Lohan, you seem a little confused about something so basic – what gender you want to make out with. The ‘Mean Girl’ has been delightfully gallivanting around with mega-producer Mark Ronson’s sister, Samantha, for several months now. Their relationship was confirmed in July.

Lohan’s mother, Dina Lohan, gave the relationship to her daughter’s live-in DJ girlfriend her Sapphic stamp of approval.

A few days ago, the NY Daily News reported that Lohan doesn’t consider herself a lesbian and will go back to men if things end with Ronson. In fact, Ronson is the only woman Lohan will go for. What?

It’s one thing to put your sexuality out on the table, to decide to be entirely open to whatever comes; but is it considered a scarlet letter on your forehead to choose the same-sex side? Lohan acts as if the “L” word is some terrifying brand she will never be able to laser off at a dermatologist’s office.

The tabloids have been going crazy with this storyline that seems as confused as Lohan must feel in the bedroom. And the whole time I can’t stifle the mantra moving from a murmur to a drone in my skull… ANNE HECHE.

Right. Anne Heche, the one who dated mega-comedienne Ellen Degeneres and decided quickly after dumping her that the whole lesbian thing was a big mistake, a moment of weakness, a psychosis.

Which brings us to the label she will now receive, a label that many gossip outlets are already branding her with: a fauxmosexual.

What’s going to happen in a couple of years, or a couple of months, after Lohan’s new music ventures fail again? Is Ronson going to get the boot? We can only assume so.

If Lohan is already adamantly protesting the idea of being a lesbian to her close and personal entourage, the next step is taking back the $22,000 luxurious promise ring she gave Ronson in July.

Lindsay, I’m no sexpert, but I’ve certainly had a love affair or two. If there are a couple rules of love we should always follow, it’s always listening to our hearts (maybe to our underpants sometimes) and ignoring those pangs of celebrity career-fueling relationships that only end in broken-hearted DJs.

Briana Monasky can be reached at [email protected]