State “Cheeseburger Bills” are barring lawsuits fromthose claiming to have been super-sized by the fast food industry.Twelve states have already passed them, four are pending and eighthave been shot down all together. Among the gunmen, (sorry,gun-people) were our friendly neighbors over at the State AssemblyJudiciary Committee.

I suppose we students ought to thank them. Maybe we can all forma class action suit blaming fast food for the “freshman15.” Let’s get organized. We’ll need someevidence, so save your fast food receipts and throw away all yourbeer ones.

What were we supposed to do when we saw Burger King, Kung FuFat’s or Roundtable? Our defense will be that tight classschedules left us ravenously hungry, making it impossible to resistthe stimuli from fattier foods. We’d better lock all thosestanding in line at Mother India Express into a closet. That bringsup a sticky point concerning when we complain about the lack ofhealthy choices in the marketplace. You just know thatCalifornia’s pesky lawyer is going raise the point that wealso could have eaten at ToGos or Da Deli. He might even bring upthe fact that most fast food restaurants like Burger King oncampus, also offer salads and grilled chicken sandwiches.

This is where we’ll create a diversion by trotting outacademics to say that the barrage of fattening food advertisementsdeceitfully lured us into fast food restaurants. I’m sure wecould get a few of the professors to argue that eating yourfavorite foods is an addiction. Someone contact Associated StudentsInc. to charter an Eaters Anonymous club. It’s all aboutshowing legitimacy.

What if the judge exasperatedly asks us how any idiot cannotknow that fast food is unhealthy? I read that some lawyers in thesesuits argue that the nutrition information, provided byrestaurants, is difficult to understand. We’ll just say thatwe asked Kung Fu Fats if their deep-fried entrees were fatteningbut we couldn’t understand their thick accents.

One idea that usually gets more sympathy with the public is a”reasonable” request for nutrition facts to be printedon the packaging of anything we’re served. The otherside’s lawyer might bring up the point that if we were sointerested in knowing nutritional facts, why didn’t we packlunches with food bought at a grocery store? We’d know whatwe were eating, save a lot of money and be considerablyhealthier.