As someone who was recently shopping for a cell phone, I can attest to the sheer abundance of mobile products that are available to consumers today. There are BlackBerrys, iPhones and uh … the other ones.

So many options could leave prospective buyers overwhelmed, until they realize the phones all basically do the same exact things. Phone calls? Obviously. Text messaging? Uh-huh. Camera? Yep. Internet? Of course!

The cell phone market is a lot like the female crowd at a night club. There is a lot to choose from but everything looks the same &- sleek, pretty, and alluring, but ultimately too expensive to be worth it.

In an attempt to offer something new, Facebook, the company that did for stalking what Justin Timberlake did for sexy, is rumored to be developing software for a Facebook brand phone.

A Facebook phone would probably deeply embed Facebook functions into every aspect of the device. Normal features such as messaging and contacts would be given a face-(book)-lift so that users would never forget who their social-networking daddy was.

This comes as really great news to those without access to a computer or a cell phone that was made after 2003.

Finally! Facebook could be right at our fingertips!

“It’s not a bad idea because Facebook has what Apple had, a multi-faceted product that people use for everything,” said Evan Boylan, Sac State alumnus. “Why not make it a phone too?”

He is correct in that Facebook has a widely-used product that has the potential to generate more revenue. Since they have found a new way to exploit their product, the phone will be a success, right?

Oh absolutely! Because it’s not like almost every modern phone can access the Internet. And there aren’t easy-to-use applications that streamline users right to their Facebook content.

Oh wait, what is this? Oh, I just received a friend request from my grandmother, because even she is able to get online.

Facebook, I think we need to have a talk.

You are a social-media behemoth. You have more than 500 million users. According to The Daily Telegraph, Britain’s highest-selling newspaper, you are worth an estimated $33 billion.

Oh, and have you not been around a TV lately? A Hollywood movie all about your immense success has just been released! So please, tell me, what has got you so insecure?

Yes, I know cell phones are cool. Yes, you are right, they are very popular and can be a viable business.

But the thing is &-. Yes, Facebook I know you want to be the best. But just listen &-. What? Yes, Facebook, I like you. But the thing is, you are not a phone company. Nor is there any need for you to pump a phone full of your blue-and-white goodness.

Look at Google and Microsoft. Both of those successful companies tried their hand at developing phones and both failed miserably. How many people do you see with Google’s Nexus One or Microsoft’s Kin? None? Shouldn’t that serve as a warning to you?

Alex Davis, junior electrical engineering major, reacted amusedly when he heard about your plans to make a phone. After a long “pffft!” he said, “Come on! If Google can’t do it!”

I am sorry Facebook, I know that is not what you want to hear. But I am your friend and I am always going to tell you the truth. I think you should stick to what you are good at. Just be yourself, buddy.

Facebook …? Come on, don’t walk away, I am just trying to help.

What the &-? Did you just unfriend me? Oh, real mature!

Seriously, the last thing we need in this society full of disconnected 20-somethings is another device that makes it even easier to avoid reality. What we really need is ….

Oh, sweet! My Facebook app just finished downloading! Would write more but I have some ex-girlfriends to catch up with.

Dante Frattini can be reached at [email protected].