The A’s are trailing by seven runs. I’m sitting in the worst seat in the house. My nachos are soggy and I just spilt my three-dollar soda onto my lap.

Out of nowhere a guy in his mid-thirties, drunk off his ass, runs out onto the field.

I’m happy again, and in matter of minutes this buffoon is about to get the crap beaten out of him by ballpark security.

What’s this guy going to do? He has plenty of options.

He can take the old fashion run around the bases, giving players high-fives and hugs, and finish off with a head-first slide into home plate.

He can give the older fans in attendance a 70’s flashback by streaking across the outfield.

He can even be inventive and try to hump the third base coach.One thing he can’t do is get stage fright.

There is nothing worse than when a guy runs on the field only to stand around and wait to be dragged off the field.

“Boo, You Suck!” This man deserves a punch to the face as he is taken back through the crowd by security.

If you’re going to run out onto the field and stop the flow of a major league baseball game, be courteous enough to give your audience some entertainment.

If you exit the stadium with a chorus of boos, and a shower of peanuts and cracker jacks raining upon you, you know that your time on the field was a waist.

If, however, you receive a round of applause and several pats on the back on your exit, you have completed a successful run on the field, and can sleep well in your cell knowing that you have brightened the day of over 20,000 fans.

And to all of you fans contemplating running on the field during a Hornets baseball game; it’s not worth it.

A run on the field only counts if a) there are a minimum of 700 fans in attendance, and b) there is ballpark security waiting to beat your ass.

So to all of you fans out there looking to run out onto your favorite ballpark, arena or field. Do it. But do it right.

I’ll be watching, and laughing, while your sorry ass gets a baton to the crotch and pepper spray in the eyes.

…There is nothing that sports fans like better than a solid, ego-driven celebration after a great play.

Whether it’s Icky Woods doing the “Icky Shuffle” after a touchdown or Quentin Richardson doing the patented Clipper head bump after a slam dunk, fans always seem to get excited over player celebrations.

But why do these celebrations have to be restricted to certain plays and players?

I bet golf viewership would increase dramatically if Ernie Els did a little collar-pop after nailing a 300-yard drive, or Phil Mickelson gave his caddie a nice chest bump after sinking a long putt.

Even in basketball, why can’t John Stockton get a little fired up after a made free-throw. Maybe a little tongue wag or some roof-raising action.

Come on Johnny! You shoot over 87-percent from the stripe — you deserve it.

…Mike Tyson would be a great hockey player if he would only learn how to skate.

All “Iron Mike” would have to do is beat the living crap out of the opposing team’s top player, take a five-minute penalty, and repeat the same process when he gets out of the penalty box.

By the third period the opposing team would be without their top-eight players.

…Why doesn’t a major league manager try to sign sprinter Tim Montgomery. With an expanded September roster, Montgomery, who broke the world 100-yard dash record with a time of 9.78 seconds this past Saturday, could simply be used as a pinch runner.

With a couple hours of base running practice, he could become baseball’s best base stealer in a matter of hours.

He probably wouldn’t even have to take a lead. He could use the base as a starting block and just take off when the pitcher released.

With 90-feet being the rough equivalent to 30 yards, Montgomery could get from first to second in about 3.2 seconds. And that’s without a lead.

So some manager out there who is having trouble playing “small ball,” go out and sign Tim Montgomery.