I’ve tried to hide it all these years, but it is time to come out of the closet and officially pledge my allegiance to the right. Most people my age hopped on the leftist bandwagon years ago.

When the wagon rolled my way, I just couldn’t muster up enough angry energy to be enlightened. Picking up a copy of The Nation magazine and actually opening it was just too much work.

Republicans are more appealing to me, because I am a conservative guy. If I make a lot of money one day I don’t want to be taxed up the ass. Besides, it is just so much easier to believe the lying liars and the lies that they tell when they’re lying to us liars.

I am hesitant to “claim” the right (like a gangster would claim his territory) for the same reason I don’t claim South Sac: I’m not exactly proud of that fact.

It is difficult to come clean without shame. I am jealous of the left and their liberal icons.

I know I live in an up-front, uncompromising reality where there is daily proof that the devil exists, and hardly any that God does. I have to admire the people who have religious faith.

I was for the war and accepted the fact that it was caused by Iraq’s dishonesty to the United Nations. But, I have yet to see the weapons of mass destruction that President George W. Bush was talking about. I figured we would have at least planted them by now. This way the world’s attention would have been diverted for just enough time to grab hold of the Iraqi oil supply.

Instead, soldiers are still dying in the Middle East, more now than before when we were officially at war.

If I were a liberal it would be “brick through a window time.” Who’s window? I really don’t care. I would throw a brick through your window, if it were televised civil disobedience against the war.

I admire activists like Michael Moore, not only for the fact that he is probably one of the best filmmakers in the United States, but because he fights for the faith of better future for the United States and the world. Some refuse to watch Moore’s movies because they exaggerate of the truth. I say “Who cares? It’s still great cinema.”

Liberals also have the Dixie Chicks, whose albums I adore, especially “Wide Open Spaces.” But unlike some backwards hicks I’m not going to smash their CD’s because they spoke out against a President that I elected. If anything I would be smashing CD’s because their last album “Home” sucked compared to their first two.

Another problem with being from the right nowadays is that our contemporary authors just aren’t cool. We’ve got Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. One is a trite overly-logical sex kitten, while the other is supposedly a pill popping hate monger that is prejudiced against black quarterbacks. They don’t exactly seem to be inspiring kids to join the ranks.

The left has balls-out comedians like Al Franken, and Bill Maher, uncovering conspiracies in humorous ways that make the information easy to digest.It annoys me that these popular liberal figures are easy to get along with compared to my liberal peers, whom I actually have discourses with.

When re-thinking my political orientation, I try to take into account moderate perspectives. I want to get along with patriots, libertarians and even terrorists. I think it serves my best interest to get along with anybody and everybody.

I don’t dislike or disrespect my liberal peers. It’s just that they talk too much. They are never convinced that I have grasped their ideas unless I begin chanting, “Impeach Bush! Impeach Bush!”

I am required less from my pastor who thinks that I should attend church more than three times a year. But even my pastor and I can still relate about everything from God to sex without praying afterwards.

Maybe I’m just annoyed because everyone else around me is liberal. The day every college student bows down to Bush in a hypnotic daze, then I’ll break out my Che Guevara beret and start to pump my fist.

Should we send Jason back to the closet? Send comments to [email protected]