Sierra’s Spicy Takes: A Tinder boy comes back
Photo and illustrations by Emily Rabasto - The State Hornet
Meet the face behind the new advice column at The State Hornet “Sierra’s Spicy Takes,” Sierra Savage.
January 30, 2019
Reader be advised: Sierra’s Spicy Takes is, as the kids might say, NSFW. Read at your own discretion.
This past week I finally decided to make a finsta. For those unaware, according to Urban Dictionary, a finsta is a ‘fake’ Instagram account where you post all the garbage you’re unwilling to show a majority of your followers. Mine is self-proclaimed pure gold.
Because I only follow a few people with my finsta, Instagram was being helpful and trying to get me to follow my phone’s contact book.
On another note, I am fully aware that some of you are reading this column for the first time. However, some of you are die-hard fans that have been reading since the beginning.
This past week, I accidentally revisited our old friend Matthew.
RELATED: Welcome to ‘Sierra’s Spicy Takes’: The State Hornet’s new advice column
You may remember Matthew as the boy who couldn’t get it up but then later masturbated on my couch and exclaimed, “I cummed!”
I know, it’s my favorite story too.
I found Matthew’s account on Instagram all this time later. Naturally, I needed to follow his account so I could finally show all my friends what he looks like. If you were as bored and as nosy as me, you would do the same.
Less than an hour later, as I was FaceTiming some friends, he accepted the request and sent me a message asking if he knows me.
It’s been well over a year and so I reminded him that we met on Tinder a while back.
He confirmed that it was in Sacramento and that we almost had sex, all of which is true. Matthew then proceeded to assure me yet again that him not being able to get it up wasn’t my fault. (THANKS, I KNOW.)
I assured him it was fine because his ex was clearly still on his mind. Completely understandable. He tried to relate by talking to me about my ex. And then…
Story continues below photo.
I was shocked into immediate laughter and yet I was clearly aware enough to manage to take a screenshot. Bless past me.
I gently explained that it was fine because at the end of the day it was a pretty wild story. After a brief clarification, he decided he needed to ask…
Story continues below photo.
No Matthew, unfortunately, you shouting, “I cummed” did not turn me on.
Men like this are insecure and so this got me blocked basically instantly.
I only tell this story because I think this is indicative of modern romance. People deserve to not feel alone in this weird digital age that we are struggling through.
The only real advice I have is to be honest. His masturbation didn’t turn me on and I told him so. It didn’t work out for me but I didn’t really care anyway.
Don’t waste your time worrying about these things. Think of the stories you’ll be able to tell 10 years from now. And don’t forget to take screenshots.
Story continues below photo gallery.
You guys have stories like these and I want to hear them! Stay tuned for the Spicy Takes podcast dropping this weekend! And come back next week; I’ll be reviewing a new dating app!
If you have better advice for me or for my readers, please write in and your responses may be published. Don’t forget to submit your questions here or below and come back next week to read more Spicy Takes with Sierra!