SATIRE: Give professors guns, and then everyone else too


Cory Doctorow - Flickr CC BY 2.0

A picture of some of the guns professors and students should have on campus to protect ourselves from people on campus with guns.

Vincent Moleski

After the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, the conversation has quite naturally turned from mourning to debate on the issue of gun control.

 I, just like you, fear the prospect of a school shooting closer to home, especially after a threat on a school in Roseville resulted in a lockdown.

Now more than ever, we must re-evaluate our state and local gun laws with the intent of stopping gunmen on American campuses.

There have been some very level-headed discussions aimed at stopping these heinous attacks, and local powers seem to be responding positively.

As lawmakers in Florida move at a breakneck pace to churn out legislation to arm teachers, the only thing I question is why we aren’t implementing similar laws here.

Our president, Donald J. Trump, recently said that he would have rushed in unarmed to prevent the shooting in Parkland.

Imagine, if you will, the incredible destructive power of Donald Trump unarmed — now throw in a gun. Even a madman would turn back faced with that.

Now, if our professors share even a scrap of Trump’s enthusiasm, there should be no question as to whether we should arm them or not.

If you’re willing to trust your professors with your developing mind, you should be willing to trust them with a gun, too. I’m sure they will be every bit as inerrant in their duties.

The old adage ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people’ gets a bit too much play these days, but there is a kernel of truth to it. If some deranged individual really wanted to kill students on campuses, I’m sure they could do it just as easily using other commonplace tools on campus.

They could deliver a thousand deadly paper cuts, or shower a classroom in projectile staples. Putting guns on campus could only help to deter vile attacks like this.

It’s a common misconception to say that more guns means more crime. The last time you were the victim of a crime, I assume that you called the police — the good guys with guns.

I’m sure you’d feel very safe if you were surrounded by police officers armed with military-style assault rifles.

But when dealing with professors, it’s hard to tell which, if any, are bad guys, so I’ve got a little secret about character that I’d like to share with you. You can always tell that someone is a good guy if they look like me. Try it for yourself!

If someone doesn’t look like me, they’re probably not to be trusted with firearms and are probably dangerous thugs to boot.

If someone looks like me and still does something bad with a gun, you can rest assured that they suffer from mental illness — nothing to see here.

Since the presence of guns increases security, we should also allow students to bring their own weapons to the campus as long as they have permits (although the concealed carry process is too restrictive anyway — but that’s another matter).

There’s nothing more in keeping with the do-it-yourself college experience than arming yourself against insurgency.

The images of a free and safe campus are of students oiling their rifles in the quad, or loading up spare magazines in line at Starbucks, or checking their iron sights from the top of the parking garage.

And if, God forbid, a bad guy with a gun should come on to our campus, every police officer, every professor and every student will squeeze off a round as one, and the ghost of the Constitution will guide every bullet right to the heart of the bad guy.