It’s the American dream: to fall in love, get married, move to tract housing in the suburbs and be married until the day you die.

Or file for divorce, whichever comes first.

Maybe it’s the cynicism I developed early on in life or the constant stream of negative grievances from bitter divorcees. It could be my ingrained fear of commitment, but I just don’t buy into monogamy.

I come from a home where love was plenty. My parents were excessively demonstrative to each other as well as their children. I have seen monogamy work first hand. Witnessed the dream in all its glory and I stand in awe of the relationship my parents had. But I still don’t buy it.

The amount of work they put into making such a successful relationship was excessive. Here in lies the problem.

Monogamy hasn’t changed, but we as a functioning society have. As a result, the way we interact with each other has also changed.

I wouldn’t say the alternatives to monogamy are the answers to our alarmingly failing relationship standards, but rather the fairytale views we have of it are the real problem. Fidelity and commitment is not where the problem lies – it’s how we unrealistically view love.

Monogamy takes time, pain-staking amounts of work and at minimum, equal parts effort – all of which are principles eclipsed in our fast-paced, instantaneous-gratification way of life.

And yet, despite its ill-matched principles, monogamy is an ideal that is as much a slice of Americano as warm apple pie. And we eat it up.

The nostalgic scenes of Hollywood actors forsaking all else for one person, finding them, growing old, only to die in each other’s arms is a dream America wants to believe is reality. We consume the imagery of a wedding and white picket fence as if it were a Big Mac.

Just Google the box office numbers for “The Notebook” or “Twilight.” Americans spend billions on the fantasy of undying love. We soil our minds with the idea that monogamy is everlasting and undeniable.

I do not think that monogamy is a wasteful pursuit – it’s an admirable, even honorable one.  But I believe it requires much more emotional exertion than is permissible by our modern lifestyle.

Love requires so little of us. To do so requires only initial attraction and chemistry. Those are reactions we don’t have control over.

But to sustain that connection, to remain in love, devoted, committed and actively dedicated, entails so much more.

Love is the common denominator holding couples to each other, but it isn’t enough to sustain and nourish a relationship on its own.

Love gets you through the front door. After that, it’s hard work.

Funny thing is, unless love leads to a warranty counter or self-help short cut, the front door is about as far as most of us are willing to go.

Romance and monogamy might be the last remaining portions of our society with no guarantees.

There are no warranties, no customer service lines and certainly no way to have a new one shipped to you when things break down.

For that reason, monogamy has lost its place.

A committed relationship requires time, persistence and an obsession-like drive. To love someone that way, to look them in the eyes day in and day out and decide that your bond with them takes precedent over your own needs – that is monogamy at its finest.

And that is the reason monogamy is no longer a practical approach to relationships.

Lifelong marriages and relationships aren’t approaching extinction because they aren’t achievable. Individuals committed to those institutions and ideals necessary to uphold them are just a dying breed.

My problem is when we as a collective culture are so lazy we support selfishness in practice and accept indifference so openly, dedication is asking too much.

We have become a disposable society and treat romance accordingly. When the heart cannot dispose of pride, when egotism and efficiency replace attentiveness and sincerity, fidelity is unobtainable.

Monogamy is not for the faint hearted, and society has become faint.

 

Brittany Bradley can be reached at [email protected]