Sacramento State, I expected more from you. You’re too tame, you’re no fun and your lack of instinct to party like normal, respectable college students is dragging us down. Failures. You are all total failures. We need a new game plan for Destination 2010 if our campus wants to leave its mark in the world.We need to make Playboy’s list of Top 10 Party Schools. We can still someday win the prestigious title of Playboy’s No. 1 party college, but it won’t be easy. We’ll need to lose a little bit of our self-respect and probably all our clothes if we’re going to get on this list.

Fortunately, I have some experience in both areas.It’s a tragedy we’re not on this list. All of this studying will take us nowhere if we’re not able to apply that knowledge to the outside world. We need to encourage an academic environment conducive to figuring out one’s limit for alcohol consumption and how to divide kilos into grams.Some call us Slackramento State, but what do we have to show for it? People will think we slack off on studying, but really we slack off on slacking off.Really, we should have had at least a couple of freshmen alcohol poisonings this year to reassure the world that the college experience is alive and kicking at Sac State.So how do we get on this list and where do we sign up?”Our editors look for input from a variety of sources,” said Playboy spokesman Steve Mazeika. “It’s not necessarily which schools gets the most votes … it’s more who stands out. We simply believe in “work hard, play hard’, and we look for schools that demonstrate that.”Did you hear the man? We need to play hard and stand out.First on the agenda: bring back Fraternity Row. Everyone knows that the Greek system is the heart of every meaningful college experience. Whororities are sorely needed around here. They offer access to wild parties featuring explicit debauchery.And everyone knows that the amount of fun you’re having is directly proportionate to how naked you are. We have been missing out on so much it’s not even funny. Get with it, Sac State.Great recreational drugs sold openly and conveniently on campus are a must if we’re going to make this list &- you hear me, Sandwich and Soda Guy? Next time I see your little cart near the University Union, you better be slinging some pot brownies and magic mushroom candies alongside those delicious sandwiches. Help us out, man.Peak Adventures also needs to step up its game. How about offering Acid Peak Adventures? Hiking trips, kayaking trips, acid trips – what’s really the difference anyway? A little LSD never hurt anybody, and students will gain a new appreciation for nature afterwards. Acid is one hell of a drug, it’s an experience that evolves with you; don’t knock it “til you try it.Let’s face it: Sac State has way more to offer to our community than football or basketball. We should be focusing on shot-gunning bong rips, speedballing and beer pong. ESPN recognizes beer pong as an actual sport by televising beer pong tournaments. We need a truly talented team of beer pong players that rule with an iron gullet. Really, how can we possibly consider ourselves a 24/7 destination campus if there isn’t an abundant supply of cocaine to keep people up that long? If college is supposed to prepare you for the real world, then let’s teach the student body the lessons they have been missing out on. Sac State, we can make this list next time.I believe in you. Make it happen.Julia Baum can be reached at [email protected]