I’ll never forget the first time that I got “it.” I was in gym class, afraid to change because everybody had already gotten “theirs.” Then it happened. All of sudden, I was irritable, angry, bloated, then happy and devastatingly tired. Plus, my chest was really tender. Of course, I had just eaten like two bean burritos and benched 300 pounds. Anyway, the question which needs to be answered is: Do men have “manstruation?”

What is manstruation? I’m glad that you asked. Manstruation is the male version of female menstruation. For all you freshmen: menstruation is when a woman ovulates and sheds her uterine lining during her monthly reproductive cycle (aka: her period). So maybe “manstruation” is the wrong word to use. Men don’t bleed out of their penises (unless you’re from UC Davis) so what we are really talking about is PMS.

Premenstrual Syndrome is the beast we are dealing with here. This is caused by the releasing of hormones related to menstruation. Have men attained women’s monthly occurring week of unstable emotions, stress, anxiety and body aches? It’s easy to say no. However, if you ever have been in a serious relationship you know that all signs point to yes.

Men and women both have hormones surging through our bodies, albeit in different kinds, but that doesn’t mean that men are free from a consistent physiological cycles which make us crazy. Scientific studies show (and when I say “scientific studies” I mean my buddy George who watches a lot of TV) that women who live in the same household usually are on the same cycle together.

Why shouldn’t it affect men as well?

Communication studies majors Jasmine Murphy and Brittany Corey both agree that male PMS isn’t a myth.

“If he goes a long time without sexual intimacy then he gets crazy,” Murphy said.

“When it’s new and exciting you don’t see those characteristics, but later it’s like BOOM, here I am,” Corey added. She went on to say that in her experience in dealing with male PMS leads her to believe that it occurs bi-monthly.

Kinesiology major Angie Leporini also agrees with Corey’s bi-monthly hypothesis. In describing her boyfriend, she said, “He has it bi-monthly. Scientific research says it is testosterone and ego.”

Kinesiology sounds like science, so I think she provides the credibility male PMS needs.

Now, I know that I’m breaking “guy code,” but I need to confess something. I fake PMS (sorry bros’, I have to tell them). If I know that my girlfriend’s breasts are starting to get tender, I need to fly into action. I need to start my craziness, beat her to the punch. First, I’ll clean one part of the house really good, like the kitchen. On the other hand, I will trash the living room like a hurricane swept through there. This is called “nesting.” Don’t mess with the nest people. Do not mess with the nest, that’s all I’m saying.

The second part is the most difficult: Act crazy. It sounds easy, but even Johnny Depp can’t play out fifty emotions in the span of ten minutes. I’ll start laughing hysterically and transition into silent weeping all the while mumbling something like, “I feel fat.” I like to call this the “rope-a-dope.” This maneuver will never let your girlfriend reach her pinnacle of crazy because she is waiting for your next move.

Last, but not least: Eat. Eat all the time like you haven’t been fed in weeks. People leave people alone when food is involved: It’s science (according to George).

What’s the point of this and isn’t defeating my argument? The point is sometimes I have PMS, sometimes I don’t. Occasionally, I’ll be pissed off for no apparent reason and when my girl informs me that I’m PMSing, I realize that I actually might be. It’s crazy to think that is it possible, but why not? Why do I have nipples?

Biologically, men and women come from the same origin and our bodies don’t always make sense.

Next time a guy says, “I’d kill for a brownie,” go get him one.

Gregory Westcott can be reached at [email protected]