Summer is almost here and students across the campus and country are going to be struggling to get internships and other employment opportunities. With that in mind, this column will attempt to provide some helpful insight to help you land that dream internship. People usually pay good money to go to application and interview seminars that give similar advice, so avoid some trouble and nonsense and just take these ideas into consideration.

First things first, prepare a résumé. Be sure to pad it – employers never read them anyway. Write that you speak a foreign language and know specialized computer programs because they eat that kind of stuff up; it doesn’t even matter if you barely passed the introduction class. Next, embellish on your job titles.

If you worked as a busboy at a small café, say that you specialized in customer service and sanitation. When in doubt, refer to yourself as an “associate,” no matter what position you held.

As far as recommendations are concerned, use extended family or close friends who have never actually worked with you. Few employers take the time or energy to track down your references – they just like to see something there. If your potential employer really presses you for a letter of recommendation, just write your own and have someone sign it. It’s just easier. Besides, bosses love workers who are efficient.

Be confident and relaxed in the interview. Have a couple of drinks first to settle your nerves. It is believed that the way you dress can influence your mood, so dress casual. Show up in a t-shirt and cargo shorts. Let them see the real you. When they ask you about your previous experiences, tell them that they should read your résumé. Isn’t that why they had you type it up in the first place? Inform them that you didn’t think you would have to be doing their job for them this quickly. Employers love workers with spunk and moxie.

When the interviewer asks you why he or she should consider you for the position, tell them you have friends who can make his or her life unpleasant. Then tell them your plans for the position.

Tell them that you are not a barista and that you will not be getting coffee for anyone. Be sure to point out the picture of the supervisor’s son, daughter or spouse on the desk and remark how attractive they are. Get distracted and keep bringing the conversation back to the individual in the photo. Employers like to see people who are interested in them.

After the interview is finished, that is it. The ball is in their court. Don’t worry about following up or calling back. They will get to you if they want to hire you. The last thing they need is you bothering them for a pathetic internship. Applicants who constantly hound them for a job turn off employers. That’s the last thing they want to deal with. Besides, if you nailed the interview, you will be so fresh in their minds you won’t need to follow up.

So good luck, even though you won’t need it. Follow these simple instructions and there is no reason you won’t land the internship of your dreams, even if there is no such thing.

Jordan Guinn can be reached at [email protected].