Earth Day is a pointless demonstration in which people across the globe come together to pretend like they’re not part of the problem. It’s a day when we distress over the melting ice caps and filthy air, and yet nothing ever changes. On Tuesday humanity marched, sang and lamented over poor Mother Earth. Did it matter? Of course it didn’t. The only thing Earth Day is good for is alleviating white, liberal guilt about the state of the planet.

So how did I celebrate Earth Day? I woke up and took a shower until the hot water ran out. Meanwhile, I left the lights in my bedroom and the television on. Man, that meter must have just been spinning like it was going to break off. I set my thermostat to 66 degrees before I left my apartment, so it would be nice and cool when I came back home. I left my PlayStation on standby, so I could resume play where I left off.

On my drive to campus I stopped for gas. I filled up and continued to pump after the automatic shutoff, so fuel spilled onto the pavement when I removed the nozzle from the car. I also bought several bottles of water from the convenience store. After arriving to campus, I threw an empty plastic bottle in the trash. I would have recycled it, but the bins here are too hard to find. I saw parts of “An Inconvenient Truth” but it wasn’t enough to convince me to inconvenience myself.

Besides, transients at Sacramento State enjoy digging through the garbage for bottles and other collectibles – it would be arrogant of me to take that away from them.

Class finally ended at it was time for lunch. That was a tough choice.

Do I go for fast food and the wonderful stigma that goes with it, or to a supermarket off-campus and buy something that the eco-conscious people at ConAgra produced? I decided against both – instead I went back home and basked in the chilly apartment. I snacked on leftovers in a Styrofoam box, and then put my silverware in the dishwasher. Some food spilled on my shirt, which I put in the wash by itself.

After lunch it was back to campus. I was running late, so I had to speed. Of course, it was very beneficial for my miles-per gallon-consumption. On the drive back I passed broken sprinklers spewing water into the gutter, as well as drivers flicking cigarette butts out their windows; I couldn’t help but snicker. It was great to see people getting into the spirit of Earth Day.

Mercifully, the day ended and I was free to go home. Upon returning to the apartment, I found it too cold and immediately turned on the heater. I also took another hot shower to help me unwind. I resumed my video game playing as I consumed several beers from aluminum cans, which I then threw in the dumpster.

So to all you tree-huggers, dirt-kissers and Birkenstock enthusiasts, keep composting and using one sheet of toilet paper. Surely your one-day display of singing, solidarity and self-righteousness is exactly what this world needs to convince people to get on bio-diesel and alternative energy sources. Be proud, and hold your head up high. Obviously, Earth Day is the most important activist event ever; such good comes out of this day that it just couldn’t be a complete waste of time.

Jordan Guinn can be reached at [email protected]