Back in 2004, administrators began talking about “Destination 2010,” a plan of direction for Sacramento State. But why stop at 2010? 2020 is coming soon enough and the Sacramento State community needs to start thinking about the future. So fire up the time machine; here comes Destination 2020:

EXOSPHERE, Earth – Sacramento State students, faculty and administration broke into applause today as university President Alexander Gonzalez powered up a new satellite campus orbiting the Earth. Some segments of the campus community, however, said the satellite only poses more challenges for a campus already experiencing severe financial strains.

Gonzalez called the Hula Dog-eFollett Space Learning Center “a huge achievement for the school and the region,” noting that the satellite campus would help Sac State better serve the growing population of moon immigrants, many of which come from California.

“The Learning Center is uniquely equipped with all the amenities of home, such as hot dogs and the possibility of more hot dogs to come. And squirrels. Lots and lots of squirrels,” he said.

Gonzalez emerged from his interplanetary space tetrapod and greeted the crowd before he spoke, fresh from a tour of Uranus, where talks were underway about adding an outpost campus on the planet’s largest moon, Titania. He also made effort to embrace opponents who called the satellite, “a crass and superficial expression of devotion to education.”

“I feel vindicated, seeing this satellite completed, and I know that as soon as students take advantage of the facility, others will see how important it is,” Gonzalez said.

Henry Williams-Chang, president of the Student and Faculty Rectification Committee, was hesitant to use the word “important.”

“The most important thing is a quality education,” Williams-Chang said. Williams-Chang, a professor of electro-systronic kinesiology, said the members of the Student and Faculty Rectification Committee hoped to turn attention back to the deteriorating facilities of the central campus back in Sacramento.

“I was a student in 2008, before the Placer Campus opened up,” he said. “I thought that was enough. Besides, there were plenty of things they could have done to the old campus. I mean, it’s 2020 and they’ve still got the English department in Douglas Hall. I’ve seen Peruvian hostels that were better equipped.”

Moon immigrants were also hesitant to embrace the campus.

“My parents brought me to the moon in 2012; that was, like, a year after the Bay Area turned into a reef,” Danielle Hassan said. Hassan, a recent graduate from the Lunar Jesuit College Preparatory School, said that higher education options are limited on the moon.

“It’s nice that there is a choice, but I don’t know if I want to make that commute,” Hassan said. “I’d just as well go to the Davis Central Moon Campus. They always beat the Hornets in the Spaceway Classic, too.”

Gonzalez, the reigning president of Sacramento State since 2003, is no stranger to controversy. In 2007, he reached the apex of his troubles when faculty voted against Gonzales in a “no confidence” referendum. But after a public relations blunder involving the hunting of rare animals in Tanzania, Gonzalez seemed to turn the corner, hiring a media consultant to help restore his image. It did not change his proactive approach toward increasing campus exposure however, which remains a key source of many of his troubles but has also helped maintain his popularity among California State University Trustees.

“Groups like the SFRC need to realize that there is only one direction for Sacramento State in the future and that direction is up,” Gonzalez said in a post-speech press conference.

“The Learning Center is only the first step. We’ll add fitness centers and more fast food, space trolleys, astro-bowling, liquid-crystal theaters, clam shacks and everything in between. We’ve got it all planned, everything’s on the docket. Soon, sweet, sweet victory shall be mine,” he said.

Paul Rios can be reached at [email protected].