It’s not too often I get stupid crunk, go dumb, or am FUBAR, but when the party and the speaker box is bumping and the drinks are going down faster than George Foreman against the Greatest in the eighth round in Zaire, that’s when I know I’ll be in need of some serious TLC in the morning.

But not all of us have hip-hop satyrs to advise us to stay away from waterfalls. Sometimes we ford the river of our own debauchery like a settler on the Oregon Trail after passing Independence, Kansas alone to battle the wilderness of our hangover.

And it hurts. Bad. Michael Jackson bad. Pre-Buster Douglas Mike Tyson bad. Jim Brown bad?OK, not that bad. But there’s pain and then there’s pain and there have been times where you wanted relief but didn’t know how to go about getting it.

Our campus is a hot spot for hangover connoisseurs and many Sacramento State students were willing to offer helpful hints when asked for advice on curing a hangover. Now, while not everyone is out to master the fine art of pragmatic alcoholism, even the most enlightened wine tasters may find some worthy tips in the wisdom of their peers.

Taryn Capizzano, a senior in business, claims that traditional hangover remedies such as coffee and cold showers simply “do not work.” Capizzano said the best way to relieve a hangover is to sleep. “And don’t drink anymore in the morning.”

Lindsey Allred, a senior in molecular biology, disagrees. Her cure for a hangover is more alcohol, greasy foods and Alka-Seltzer.

While some people prefer to tackle the problem of hangovers after the deed has been done, Eric Giardina, a senior in business, said he believes the key is in prevention. His advice? “Pound a whole bunch of water before you go to bed.” Giardina added that if no steps were taken to alleviate the situation during the night of drinking, “The following day, [eat] a ‘picy spickled’ green bean.”

Yia Her, senior in biology, has his own special tradition for curing hangovers.

“Pho. It’s something that’s soothing and warming at the same time,” Her said. “When you’re hung over, you’re thirsty. Pho fulfills that requirement of a tall glass of water when you’re hung over.”

When Her is with his girlfriend, they often drink hot green or jasmine tea to clear the cobwebs.

But by far the most interesting, and likely the most entertaining, prescription comes from Diego Garcia, an international student from Venezuela studying computer engineering. His homemade concoction is to “crack two raw eggs?put them in a whiskey glass, thick glass, and then put a lot of pepper. And then you shoot it up. Clears you up like that,” Garcia said snapping his fingers.

But two eggs aren’t good enough for everybody, Garcia concedes. “You may need more or less eggs depending on how messed up you are.”

My suggestion: If you feel compelled to eat more than two peppered eggs, or resort to snorting illicit substances to relieve your hangover, go seek counseling. Otherwise, drink responsibly, and perhaps, when you do manage to glug down more than your head can handle, one of these prescriptions may provide you shelter from the storm.

Frank Loret de Mola can be reached at [email protected]