Welcome, 13th graders! How does it feel to be a freshman all over again? You probably spent a good portion of last year stroking your ego at the top of the food chain and paddling freshman who were at the bottom of it. Ditching Algebra II to smoke cigarettes behind the gym in your bitchin’ varsity letterman jacket was priority number one. Believe me, I know.

But now you’re as green as the dollars you’re forking over to be here, with a schedule and campus map in hand as you aimlessly wander the maze of buildings trying to find your first class. But rest assured, my impressionable friends, I’m here to tell you that college isn’t really that different from what you’re used to. Think of it as High School Part 2, only with better on-campus food and probably a worse athletic program.

Now, you’re probably at Sacramento State because you either didn’t get into the college you really wanted, or your folks couldn’t afford it and this was “plan B.” Don’t be embarrassed, this was everyone’s “plan B.” But now that you’re officially donning the green and gold, there are some things you should probably know.

First, you’re going to have to take many of the same classes and deal with some of the same cheery teachers you’ve had all your life. Only here, they’re called professors, which sounds strangely similar to prophet which is no coincidence because many of them think they’re God’s gift to higher education.

But many of them have what’s called “tenure” which means they have much better things to do than teach. You’ll be able to spot these distinguished fluffs because most of them have sticks shoved so far up Broadway that it neatly props their noses in the clouds and their attitudes in the gutter year round. Avoid buying books at the campus bookstore. If you do, your next stop will need to be the financial aid office. They charge per-page and then spit on you by buying them back at the end of the semester for couch change.

Avoid getting gouged and buy your books online for a fraction and then sell them back to the bookstore. You may actually make money.

And holy crap, the parking. The masterminds in charge of this fine institution have done well to orchestrate a daily nightmare for commuting students. Plan your classes early, kids, or if at all possible, ride your bike to campus. There are nearly 30,000 people who go to this university and it’ll seem like all of them have arrived before you when you’re trying to find a spot. Oh, and that concrete and steel monstrosity resembling a parking structure has been under construction since the dawn of time and may not be completed until after the sun burns out and crashes into our planet, so don’t get your hopes up.

Well, those are just a few of the many things I’ve learned during my time at Sac State. Just remember that a good percentage of you will not be here next year. Some of you future college drop-outs will become bored with a semester that drags on and on, while others will get distracted with extracurricular activities and will either drop out or get the boot. So take it from a guy who’s been in college way too long: try not to be either.

Josh Huggett can be reached at [email protected]