It’s often said that all good things must come to an end. Equally true (but said slightly less often) is that all mediocre things must come to an end also.

With that in mind, I’m forced to bring you the somewhat sad news that my days as a columnist are over.

Now, before you look up to your god and ask “Why?! Why?!” please take a moment to collect yourself.

OK, now that you’re done being dramatic, take a look on the bright side. (You know, glass of whiskey half full kind of thing.) After all, you had to have known that this day would come.

It’s time for me to graduate. It’s time for me to leave Sacramento. It’s time for me to teach in Thailand for a year. This column thing has got to go.

As unbelievable as it seems, The State Hornet newspaper has decided that they will continue to print without me. Don’t ask me how.

So now it’s your turn, folks. I care about this newspaper, and I’m here to make sure that a worthy columnist replaces me.

Just to clarify, “worthy,” by State Hornet standards, isn’t as difficult as you might think. After all, I’m their No. 1 columnist.

Let me set forth some standards by which you may be evaluated:

>Is your name now, or has it ever been, Jen White?

>Are you incredibly amusing?

>Do you have approximately 20 people that are guaranteed to read your article each week even if it’s absolutely horrible?

>Can you turn in every column at the last possible minute with a different excuse every time?

>Are you perfectly capable of complaining about anything?

>Can you speak and write with authority without having any actual authority whatsoever?

>Does it take you at least 20 minutes or 200 words to get to your point?

>Do you make horrible, spontaneous decisions that usually end up being regrettable, yet funny stories? Like that one time someone bet me a dollar –

>Deep down inside, do you have a sincere fondness of Sacramento State, which you only express through sarcasm and criticism?

>And, perhaps the most important quality of any columnist, do you have an internal combination that is equal parts neurosis and narcissism?

I know what you’re thinking. The list is a bit intimidating. They’re big shoes to fill. Literally. I wear a size 10.

But, I believe in you, my peers and I know you’re up to the challenge.

Head down to the bookstore to purchase the set of suggestions we call the “Associated Press Stylebook.” Then hide it somewhere deep in your bookcase and begin writing.

You’d better start soon. You only have the summer to practice becoming the next Jen White.

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Jen White can be reached at [email protected]