Living the college lifestyle real meals (free ones) are like lost treasures of a glorious past life and I would do anything to get them back.

So at least twice every holiday season I make the drive to the Bay Area with visions of dead farm animals dancing in my head.

Gross, huh? Too bad because I can’t wait for those little gobblers and oinkers to get slaughtered!

‘Tofurkey’? Not a chance. I’d go crazy if I came home to find out my ham is a sham. There are two things that get me through this cold, expensive, final exam-time of year: liquor and food.

My family and I, like many others, all get trashed around the holidays. Dad flips through whatever Star Trek/James Bond/John Wayne marathons are on at the time while all the ladies in the kitchen are downing champagne, getting full off hors d’oeuvres, and laughing our asses off.

It may not sound sweet to you – that’s because you’re sober.

The drinking however, is only a precursor to the main, meaty event and I slice into that turkey or ham with no guilt whatsoever. Know why? They’re farm animals!

They’re not eagles, humpback whales or polar bears. There’s no chance of endangering the turkey. In fact, every animal we consume is overpopulated for the purpose of gettin’ in my belly.

Now maybe that’s your little vegetarian argument: “I’m going to stop eating cow so they stop breeding so many cows and yay! The environment will be saved.”

Well that, my dears, is highly unlikely. Must I remind you once more about the weight of half the population? We love our meat! Those are the spoils of being a wealthy country.

I have a feeling that most of the hungry, underdeveloped nations aren’t trying to save idiotic, ugly, otherwise worthless animals like turkeys – and they sure as hell wouldn’t be mad if there were too many.

I’m telling you this because I think that you too should be able to indulge in the holiday food orgy.

I realize that there are different levels of vegetarianism. Some of you eat chicken or fish but you’re not a vegetarian, you’re just on a diet. Some vegetarians don’t eat any meat, but they eat animal byproducts like lard, cheese and eggs.

I guess that’s cool – if you want to be weak about it.

But why not be hardcore? You know, like the vegans! Now, those are some respectable vegetarians, even if they might be a little crazy and might even scare me if they weren’t so damn skinny.

Since I’m not intimidated, I’ll keep on enjoying my holiday meals. It’s not like I’m advocating killing the animals for some unnecessary reason like a coat or some fall boots.

But, folks need to eat and, since we developed as carnivores, folks also need protein and certain fatty acids that can be attained through a relatively small amount of meat. Come on vegans. You know that stuff you’re eating doesn’t taste good. Why don’t you just put down the tofu and pick up a new cause.

Like fair wages! Human rights! Real endangered species!

Besides, nothing tastes better after a protest than some juicy ham.