As a columnist for The State Hornet, I don’t try to be incendiary, really I don’t. Earlier this semester I kindly refrained from expressing my feelings regarding religious zealots on campus.

Then I came to my car after a particularly trying day of classes to find some “helpful Christian literature” tucked in with the parking ticket under my windshield wiper and I just couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

In oversized font your “literature” explained that although Halloween candy is a fun treat, it doesn’t last. But you know what does last, kids?! “Eternal life!” Yeah, beat that gobstoppers!

My whole candy-eating life has been a sham. I’ll run away to church right this second.

Wait! Screw church. “All you have to do is accept Jesus by saying a prayer,” the brochure tells me. Sweet, because I’m short on time anyway!

The prayer provided to save me from damnation is three sentences long … I kind of thought I’d need a bit more than that. But, basically, “Thank you Jesus, sorry Jesus, and please Jesus. Amen” will do the trick.

I’m still a little confused though. Is it really “all” I have to do to be guaranteed admittance? My daddy taught me if something seems too good to be true … What do you folks do up in heaven anyway? Is there candy?

This brochure, aimed at small children, was tucked into windshield wipers all over campus last Halloween and marked from a Christian Fellowship (there are at least three on campus). And it’s not the only sign of life from you Christians either.

The homophobic-in-the-name-of-God comic strip distributed in men’s bathrooms was a classic: Queer priest with devils on his shoulders renounces satin and is heterosexual and back to “normal” in no time!

There’s a reason I didn’t address this letter to all of the religious groups on campus. The man by the union isn’t swinging around signs trying to convert me to Judaism, there’s no anti-gay Buddhist literature floating around campus and the bulletins in every building don’t tell me my journey is with Allah.

It seems to me it’s Christian clubs with the cross to bear. Haha! Get it? Cross to bear! But really though. The Student Activities list of religious organizations states what each feels is their “purpose” on campus: the Catholics want to serve, the Sikh students want to share and the Muslims want to promote awareness. I can’t argue with that – even if I want to.

But what are some of the eight Christian clubs purposes? To lead, to announce, to establish “God’s purposes in the world” and to “turn lost students into Christ-centered laborers.”

“The sense of urgency to spread Jesus Christ’s gospel,” according to Corey Elliff, co-leader of the campus Christian organization Forward Motion, “comes firstly from each individual’s own personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus teaches his followers to ‘go make disciples of all nations.'”I understand the point, I just think you guys need a different approach. Maybe something a little less imposing?

I mean, a group named “Campus Crusades for Christ?” Are you kidding me? Don’t you guys know the negative connotations of the word ‘crusade,’ especially when associated with religious loons?! (Not that being involved in a group called “Crusades for Christ” implies that you’re loons, I would never say that). But killing, might I remind you, was also in the name of Jesus – bummer.

Personally, organized religion is not for me. Maybe you thought that was obvious. But if faith can make someone feel like they’re not alone (despite all their senses telling them otherwise) then good for them.

It’s when you’re pushing your beliefs onto others (and distributing offensive literature) that I feel you’ve stepped over the line of personal choice; at that point you’re two steps away from knocking on doors at 6 a.m. and telling people whatever it is that you’ve witnessed.

Universities are places of higher learning and encourage the opening of minds, not closing them. It is a good idea for anyone to take a course in religions but it’s up to the individual to join, to learn or to share and I trust them to make their own decisions for better or for worse however.

In other words, Christian clubs, crusades, and fellowships: Don’t call us. We’ll call you.

Contact Jen White at [email protected]