Do you desperately need to take a piss? Are you afraid that your potty break will ruin your 4.0 GPA?

Well, you should be — especially if your instructor’s strict attendance policy rewards not coming to class rather than interrupting their train of thought.

In many classes with strict attendance policies, you might as well not show up if you’re going to be late, go to the bathroom or leave early, no matter what your reason. Not even if your reason is that your paid tuition gives you the right to attend class, and you’re old enough to discern reasonable interruptions from unnecessary ones. No, no, that’s certainly no excuse.

But these teachers’ untrusting behavior has been justified by the disrespectful, detached students who create constant interruptions. Everyone knows they exist, but why should we all have to suffer?

Professor Robert Humphrey is adamant about his policy of punishing students more for mid-class breaks than for not showing up at all. Students lose a whopping 25 points for bathroom breaks, but only 10 for not attending. Humphrey says that such breaks are “extremely disruptive” and students have “15 minute breaks to take care of that sort of thing.”

Humphrey allows students some leeway in the form of extra credit, but after two bathroom breaks in a semester, grades start shrinking directly. And we can’t stand for shrinkage.

“I’ve been teaching for 19 years and went through school myself, and up until recently students never left class. Never,” he says.

That’s hard to believe. Maybe it’s because of the explosion of cell phones. Then again, maybe Humphrey’s memory is starting to go. Even if bathroom breaks aren’t the newest trend, Humphrey supports his attendance policy by insisting he has something important to say.

But isn’t that what they all think? One unsatisfied student on www.sacrate.com, a Web site where students review Sacramento State’s professors, warned, “Don’t be tardy or absent, he’ll talk shit about you when you leave.”

Humphrey says that students take his jokes — such as, “Anyone who is pro-Bush will fail this course” — too seriously. But like every professor, Humphrey has his own unique policy regarding classroom behavior. Nick Burnett, vice chair of the communication studies department, admits that it’s up to the individual instructor as to what policies they establish.

Compared to instructors who don’t even allow anyone entering class late, Humphrey’s a saint. One professor is known to lock the door once class begins, while others don’t allow attendance credit for students who arrive in class after roll has been taken.

The majority of students I surveyed on campus said professors’ typical policies are to deduct half of a student’s letter grade for every absence after three. No exceptions.

This majority of students also complained. On my way to talk to Humphrey, I overheard distressed Sacramento State junior Karina Lee saying that she has to drop her class because the professor’s attendance policy — combined with her upcoming surgery — will prohibit the 3.0 GPA that her major requires.

Like any reasonable young woman, Lee attempted to discuss her situation with her professor. Like any reasonable instructor, the professor told Lee that she should have planned ahead. And why shouldn’t she? After all, everyone knows you’re supposed to check your horoscope at the beginning of the semester for any major illnesses or injuries on the horizon.

Luckily, the majority of professors are more reasonable. They treat students like adults and understand that we have personal circumstances. Each student has a story of his or her own, and many sensible professors adopt a nonchalant, “it’s-your-choice-to-learn” attitude concerning attendance. And they’re right — it is our choice.

So let me tell you something, Teach: Sometimes we gotta go. Believe it or not, we don’t always know before class begins that we’ll need to pee in 30 minutes. Also, an unpredictable event occasionally just pops up. It could be an automobile accident, illness or a funeral, but we swear there’s no conspiracy against you and we’re not trying to insult you.

If you have to lock us in the classroom, or shave off 25 points to prevent students from leaving, I’m guessing over the years a lot of students have left. In case you haven’t noticed, our eyelids are drooping, our asses are sore and our notebooks are completely filled with doodles. So instead of punishing us with your lectures and with your policies, how about you liven it up a bit?

There are golden professors at Sac State who lecture 150 people at a time, don’t take roll and students still show up! Hell, even unenrolled spectators show up! It’s not that the material is more worthwhile than another; it’s that the professor makes it worthwhile.

Come to think of it, the same thing goes for students. To the slackers who ruin it for the rest of us who come to learn, let me clue you in: You’re a joke. You don’t come to class a single day, but you show up to the final? You come to class but are constantly in and out of the room, answering your cell phone and tending to your attention deficit disorder? Please. Be considerate of the rest of us who just need a potty break. You’re pissing off the Robert Humphreys of the world, and your fellow students are losing their patience.