Halloween Double-Trouble
October 29, 2002
Let’s get one thing straight right away: Halloween is the only day of the year when our culture allows otherwise normal people to be anything but. A real Halloween party should reflect this idea and real Halloween partygoers should take full advantage of this opportunity.
My Halloween party will offer prizes to the most imaginative costumes. Two female friends of mine have their hearts set on winning this contest as a twosome, but they’re running into a universal dilemma: What to wear? What outfit would set them free to explore a different reality? How can they collaborate to not only win semi-valuable half-prizes, but also get them in touch with their inner wildness?
Such is the challenge of Halloween, but this is a surmountable challenge. I have several costume ideas for my two friends that you, the reader, may also want to consider if you’re a pair of girls (or just two open minded guys) that want to claim that elusive brass (or imported plastic) ring at my party this year.
The Bush Twins — Jenna and Barbara Bush are the true embodiment of the high-flying party lifestyle. However, if you dress up as them your reputation may take a beating and you will have to find ways to exercise extraordinarily bad judgment throughout the evening. On the other hand, you will also have a license to drink yourself unconscious and vomit at whim. If so inclined, you can also add an extra friend as cousin Noelle to get that party-hearty crack cocaine vibe.
Abigail (“Dear Abby”) Van Buren and Ann Landers — I would say that this combination would be the life of the party, but that would only be half right; Landers died earlier this year. There might be a bit of makeup work involved to approximate her decay, but it would be fun to walk around in flippy-do wigs and offer your two cents to anyone who will listen. Tacky? Well, yeah. A winner? It is at my party.
The Coors Light Twins — Only advisable for women with absolutely no shame. You’ve seen the commercials and billboards and you know what such a costume would involve: Not only would you have to get your cleavage going with some horrible hoochie-mama halter top, but you would also have to smile all night and–worst of all–endorse Coors Light. Still, if it’s victory you’re after, you could do a lot worse. Somehow. Maybe.
Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg — They might seem staid and reserved, but nothing says “party” like these two wild and crazy ladies of the US Supreme Court. Reagan and Clinton appointees respectively, who knows what will happen when you get these two out of their chambers and into a loose and licentious Halloween atmosphere? This costume is as quick and easy as fixing a presidential election: Drape liberal (or conservative if you wind up being O’Connor) amounts of black fabric around your shoulders, pin a doily over your chest and you’re as good as gold. Justice Clarence Thomas doesn’t have anything on these women, and if you’re nuts enough, this Halloween you can prove it.
Winona Ryder and Any Female Cop — If handcuffs are your thing but you have a few reservations about coming out of the S&M closet, then why not literally get dragged into the party as everybody’s favorite alleged Hollywood shoplifter? This is another relatively easy costume to rig up; just get any department store shopping bag, load it up with seven or eight of your favorite clothing articles and you’re set! As far as the female cop, just remember that Winona is in your custody on Halloween and I don’t need her walking off with my stereo or any of my CDs. I appreciate your vigilance.
Next up: Men’s and children’s costume ideas. Please though–no priests and altar boys, OK?
For Halloween, S.T. VanAirsdale will be dressing up as the scariest thing imaginable: Morrissey. Contact VanAirsdale at [email protected].