Quick, there are talks of banning smoking on campus. Get your cell phone and call someone. For those three students on campus who don?t have a cell phone, extinguish your cigarette and sprint to that antique contraption hanging on the wall. It?s the odd-looking thing that has a string-like apparatus connecting a “receiver” to a “box-o-numbers.” It may also contain a slot to insert coins and possibly a book of names called a “phonebook.”

That?s right. If you haven?t noticed, there is an abundance of people on campus who have cell phones attached to their heads. Jawing away, they make their business your business. Hearing other people?s conversations makes me stop and think out loud, “How much money did that person spend to get a re-cap of last night?s episode of ?Buffy the Vampire Slayer??” I?ll admit that I carry a cell phone, but it is not affixed to my skull. I?m a college student, not a corporate executive making decisions on the fly.

It?s not that I am incapable of finding someone to relay worthless information to. It?s the fact that these tiny instruments of destruction are expensive to operate that bothers me. I asked around to find out how much people spend for the convenience, or in some cases inconvenience, of being connected. The dollar amounts were staggering. For the person who used their phone as a normal means of communication, an average of $50 per month was spent. For the person who felt that their cell phone was a piece of headgear, the figure was racing toward $200. I have but one question for the latter: Do you enjoy talking your net worth away?

As for the prudent cell phone user (like myself), I must extend a hearty “Huzzah!” in keeping a grip on the reality of actually having to pay for the use of your phone.

With cell phones being a part of nearly every student?s wardrobe, there is another factor that comes into play: phones ringing in class. Isn?t it lovely when the theme song from Rocky spontaneously bursts from your neighbor?s backpack? Then the mad dash that follows to turn off the phone, followed by the proceeding silence that falls over the class as they watch the professor begin to erupt. As amusing as this may be, it is still annoying. I?m just waiting for a student to have the nerve to answer their phone and carry on a conversation. In that case, I will applaud and endorse the misuse of cell phones.

Understandably, some people have lives outside of school, but are the issues they discuss while meandering through campus that important? When I found out that the folks in Associated Students,Inc., in their infinite wisdom, were trying to restrict smoking on campus, I reached for my phone. I wasted the money to call my smoking pals and enlighten them on the situation. I spent exactly 13 minutes on my cell phone discussing ways in which the smokers on campus could unite and battle this ludicrous resolution. The merry band of do-gooders in ASI can expect an invoice for $6.24; that?s 13 minutes at 48 cents per minute of peak time. Not a bad deal for admission into the real world for the creator of the initiative, Luke Wood.

Andy Fegley is an English major. He can be reached at [email protected].