As much as the cold December wind chills my bones, nothing freezes me solid more than knowing how close finals are. That’s right sports fans, it’s time to bundle up and perhaps you’ll cram enough information into your head to keep warm this winter.

I overheard people talking recently about how this has been the coldest fall they’ve seen in a few years and I have to agree. Cold weather freezes your pipes, puts frost on your roof, and makes teachers crankier than a mall Santa who just got bit.

They’re cold. You’re cold. They don’t want to be in class. You don’t want to be in class. But as long as they’re miserable, you might as well suffer along with them.

Now I come from a proud breed of students who, in high school, believed that teachers were kept snuggly locked in the cafeteria freezer on holidays. I was under the grossly misguided impression that they wouldn’t mind the cold weather. However, as the other breed of students who believe that teachers are actually reptiles constantly reminds me, teachers shrink away from the cold even more than students.

Not only do they have to think up the tests, but also they have to spend holidays grading them. And while you may spout the incredible B.S. on papers, they’re the ones that have to read yours and many others just like it and hopelessly try to assign you a letter grade other than “F”.

This is enough to make Martha Stewart go ballistic.

This in mind, remember that each one of your teachers is a ticking time bomb ready to explode at the first dumb kid who has the gall to raise his hand and belch out: “Duh?”

So, I have a few words of advice to offer the struggling student who wishes to avoid not only extra questions on their finals, but the wrath of the teachers.

1. Bundle up warmly: This serves a double purpose. Not only will you be warm for the winter chill, but also if you’re clothed enough, the teacher won’t really be able to make you out well and will avoid calling on you. Nothing embarrasses a teacher more than mistaking your for someone else right at the end of the semester. Of course, this does not apply to teachers who don’t care.

2. Study: Now this seems redundant, but teachers will not only quiz you on the final with things only discussed five minutes the whole semester, but multiple aspects of that five-minute point.

3. Never underestimate the enemy: Just because you act like an idiot in class doesn’t mean that the teacher will care come finals week. Just be very careful about your teacher’s ability to tax your skills.

I hope this has been useful. As the holidays come around, we tend to relax and unwind for the magic time when we’re not slaving away in a brain farm. But beware of the harsh hand of fate, as it’s ready to smack you upside the head with a final you’ll never forget.