Whenever conversations turn to relationship satisfaction, rest assured that a discussion about sex is not far off. The problem with being in a new relationship is, within those first few excited months you can become too focused on getting your satisfaction from sex alone. And when this passion fades, you can be left feeling empty-handed. Todd Migliaccio, a sociology professor at Sacramento State who specializes in family and gender studies, says that a couple’s sexual relationship is only part of the equation. “Passion ebbs and flows in a relationship,” Migliaccio said. “For longevity, you need to base the happiness of your relationships on something more long-term.” If you want to give your relationship more substance, you need to look past the enjoyment you get from sex, and really appreciate what it is you love about that person. If you recognize what those non-sexual reasons are, then the inevitable cooling-off period can be more like a hurdle than a barricade. Rebecca Cameron, psychology professor and clinical psychologist agrees. “It helps if the other things like friendship and communication overlap,” Cameron said. Shared values make a good foundation to build a satisfying and enjoyable relationship. If you have similar ideas of what is expected from each other in the relationship, then you can function better in the present and avoid landmines down the road. Psychology professor Nancy Kalish has conducted research on more than 2,000 couples since 1993 and published two books on the topic. She said similar backgrounds are important. “It didn’t matter whether the romance had been sexual or not,” Kalish said. “No difference. The important thing was the shared upbringing of the early years.” Compromise is another important lubricant to keep a relationship running smoothly. Many people think relationship compromise means that both parties give up little by little until the decision lands right in the middle, and both parties are effected as equally as possible. But this is still a self-based approach, because both of you are focusing on how the outcome is going to affect you rather than the relationship. This isn’t a selfless act of giving; it sounds more like a business transaction. It’s trying to gain the most and lose the least without making the other party so angry that he or she calls off the whole deal. What relationship compromise should really produce is the decision that is most beneficial for the relationship. “The individuals can still look at the end result and say, “That sucks, for me,’ but realize that it’s still what’s best for “us,'” Migliaccio said. Nobody said relationships were easy, but remember: being in a relationship means you are on the same team, so make sure you communicate like a team.

Paul Roundtree can be reached at [email protected]