If American International Group was a family member, you would have locked them out of the house long ago. AIG is scarily similar to someone strung out on smack who just needs a couple of bucks in order to turn everything around, right down to the part where the recipient of the money gets defensive and indignant when asked what it’s for.

By now we all know the basic story of AIG. For years, the insurance giant defecated where it ate and now expects us to tenderly wipe it with a warmed washcloth. What’s worse is we’re actually doing it.

For whatever reason, legislators in both parties refuse to let AIG go under. Maybe it’s because AIG has donated to many lawmakers over the years. Or maybe it’s because AIG really is too big to fail. The latter argument doesn’t cut it. Whatever happened to the bigger they are, the harder they fall?

AIG is synonymous with greed, corruption and arrogance. These perverse values ensure our children and grandchildren will be paying the nearly $200 billion tab this company has racked up.

And what do we get in return? We basically get to be shareholders in AIG. This would be great news if this was early 2001; three shares of AIG stock today will barely be enough to buy a couple tall cans.

It would be best to sell off AIG and salvage whatever money is possible. Common sense shows us the Detroit Lions have a better shot at winning the Super Bowl next season than AIG repaying the more than $160 billion it has ungraciously received from American taxpayers.

The highly publicized executive bonuses and retreats are galling, but they account for such a small percentage of the total handout, it’s really a non-issue. Don’t get me wrong; ragging on AIG employees and their families is just as much fun as listening to people as they attempt to mask their massive disappointment and buyer’s remorse in President Barack Obama, but it solves nothing.

Before you get on me for disparaging the omnipotent Obama, let me defend Obama because he wasn’t in power while AIG was making backroom deals and its stock split more times than Nina Hartley’s legs. However, Obama is responsible for continuing the failed policies of the most recent Bush administration.

George W. Bush, a very gullible and impressionable person, was duped and swindled by AIG, and the company is taking Obama on the same ride. To be fair, the economy isn’t Obama’s strongest area.

Cutting check after check without question to the insurance giant makes as much sense as appointing someone who cheated on his taxes to be Secretary of the Treasury.

But why cover this in a college paper?

Without a doubt, everyone on this campus feels the impact of AIG’s embarrassingly excessive hubris and wanton negligence.

All of us who pay taxes are throwing a percentage of our wages into this voracious money pit and will continue to do so as we toil in futility for the rest of our trite, meaningless lives.

Despite my bemoaning and bellyaching over the unethical pond scum who run AIG, I have discovered a newfound respect for the company. Yes, respect. AIG has duped two presidents who have seemingly polar opposite political ideologies, the federal government and virtually everyone else who matters in order to line their pockets. You have to applaud the effort and determination. To hijack billions upon billions of dollars in a time of financial ruin not seen since the 1920s takes skill, cojones and bravado.

Even though AIG is a collection of crooks, swindlers and scam artists who have screwed the American taxpayer, you can’t knock its hustle.

Jordan Guinn can be reached at [email protected]