Dearest Hef,

Really sorry to hear about your breakup with your No. 1 gal, Holly Madison. I’ll admit she was my second favorite out of the three (Bridget Marquardt is my personal No. 1), but I have a feeling you’ll bounce back. After all, you are the man who built an empire on your suave way with the ladies. At the beginning of the Playboy legacy, society at the time looked down on you for thinking differently than the rest. But that never stopped you from fighting to have your dream become a reality. Now look at you, stud. You’re famous for always having beautiful, scantily-clad blondes flocking to your side – without even having to change out of your evening robe. I haven’t met a guy out there that wouldn’t love to be you for a day. Heck, I haven’t met a guy out there that wouldn’t love to just be invited to one of your notorious Playboy Mansion parties. Never been to one myself, but from what I see on Girls Next Door, the party doesn’t stop even if you’re an 82-year-old.

As for the breakup between you and Kendra Wilkinson, all I have to say is: Good idea. Sure, she is young and blonde, but, seriously, how did you stand that laugh for the past four and a half years? I understand your attraction to Holly; there’s something sweet about her that can reel anyone in. And Bridget, well, she’s probably the smartest girlfriend you’ve ever had. But really, Hef, what did you find so endearing about Kendra? Honestly, I think you could have done a lot better for yourself on that third choice.

Rumor has it you are considering blond, 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon as candidates for the currently vacant girlfriend positions. Really, Hef? Don’t do that to yourself. These girls seem like bad news. According to eonline.com, Florida police records reveal the twins are on probation for a battery bust in St. Petersburg. Not saying that you wouldn’t be able to defend yourself, but at your age I don’t think you’d be able to sustain the rage of these two in case they decide to throw a fit. I think you should just stick to girls that not only look innocent, but also are innocent – of any criminal activity.

Well, Hef, I have to get back to studying for my next midterm. Unfortunately, I’m not really into making money off of showing my naked body to the world. I guess you could say I’ve fallen into the ordinary life of going to college and getting a desk job after graduation. Anyway, keep your chin up, Hef. The blondes will always want to be by your side.

Your fan,

Princess Calabrese

Princess Calabrese can be reached at [email protected]