If today is your birthday: You are probably the only one who cares. Get over yourself. View news articles from previous years to see what other atrocities were inflicted upon the planet on this day besides your birth.

AriesRide the ruby-studded ram to Mars as an example to others. Only half-wits who think that their birthday defines their personality know exactly what this means.

TaurusWe wish you didn’t have to hear this from us: Forces beyond your control will conspire to ensure you that these next 30 days will be an unstoppable hell that will make you pray for merciful death.

GeminiFocus on personal chores this month. Build a grocery list, balance your checkbook and call all your sexual partners to inform them that you contracted genital warts and pubic lice from what you will strongly insist was a “toilet seat.”

Cancer You will read the wrong horoscope but it will apply anyway. At this point you will realize what garbage astrology is. Too bad you ended your last relationship because your signs were “incompatible.”

LeoYour sign is notoriously lucky. Just think of how fortunate the infants who are born hooked on crack or infected with AIDS between July 23 and Aug. 22 are.

VirgoYou’re prissy and small-minded. That’s why no one enjoys being around you. They’re not jealous.

LibraThat homely platonic friend is actually your perfect match. Continue with your unprotected sexual relations with anonymous partners, he/she will wait for you.

ScorpioYou will make an unexpected trip to a far away and mysterious land. Unfortunately, you were kidnapped and will be butchered once you reach your destination. Scorpio kidneys are pure profit in the black market.

SagittariusYou tire easily but you want to make a difference in the world. Put a funny video on your MySpace page and call it a day.

CapricornStrong and self-reliant, you pride yourself on emptying your own colostomy bag.

AquariusYou’re a trendsetter. Because of you, statutory rape and lewd conduct statutes will be reformed.

PiscesWash your clothes in near boiling water but take cold showers. Stay indoors during odd hours (military time) and avoid eye contact from all life forms. Heed the words of the horoscope writers on this one, it could get ugly for you if you don’t.

Jordan Guinn can be reached at [email protected]