Valentine’s Day is just another reminder to the world of jaded, single twenty-somethings that not everyone on the planet is as pathetic as they are.

As if it weren’t hard enough to be single at an age when all of your high school friends are either getting married or are in a relationship that is leading to marriage, there is also an unnecessary pseudo-holiday to celebrate the fact that they are getting booty and you are not.

At least during Christmas I can hope for peace to all mankind (if I don’t do the Santa Claus thing) and during Easter I can celebrate the coming of spring (if I’m not into Jesus), but Valentine’s Day marginalizes everyone not involved an intimate relationship to outside the realm of being human. It is by far the most useless holiday.

I never felt jaded by Valentine’s Day until my junior year of high school. It had nothing to do with me, but what happened that day would forever live in infamy, any time I think about Valentine’s Day. You see, in my math class there was an “aesthetically challenged” girl who was in the marching band’s color guard. As much as she wanted to twirl a baton at the football games, everyone knew she would’ve made a great linebacker. Anyway, it was Feb. 14, 1999, and I was sitting in math class towards the back of the room.

The color guard girl sat in the second row, right behind the most beautiful and popular girl ever to attend my high school. Of course, the beautiful girl barged into class 10 minutes late, her arms full of flowers, chocolates and an ocean of Valentine’s Day novelties from the millions of people who adored her and from each of her seven boyfriends.

She blundered into the classroom, offering a comical, half-baked apology to the teacher as she made her way to her desk. Then, as she approached her seat, she asked the color guard girl, who had no valentines, if she could store some of her crap on the color guard girl’s desk, because she had “way too many valentines” to fit on her desk! I was appalled. It was like a scene from “Heathers.” And, of course, the color guard girl conceded.

After all, her best Valentine’s Day moment was to enjoy those Valentine’s Day gifts vicariously, as if they were her own. This is the image of Valentine’s Day that remains ingrained in my memory.

This bitterness from the single community isn’t new to Valentine’s Day. Single people have always despised Feb. 14, ever since it was set aside to honor love and St. Valentine.

So it doesn’t surprise me that the Valentine’s Day vendors have made some creative marketing attempts to make single people feel less hostile and more included in the hype. The worst marketing strategy along this line definitely is the idea for Valentine’s Day cards that you give to your parents; after all, everyone has a mom or dad, right?

Whose idea was that? I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks that that concept is “way too Arkansas?” Honestly, trying to make me feel included on Valentine’s Day by affording me the opportunity to give my parents something makes me feel as much a part of this holiday as I would feel if I were the designated equipment manager for a sports team: constantly sidelined with no play time and no opportunity to score. Getting your parents something for Valentine’s Day is as bad as – if not worse than – wallowing in your singleness, watching romantic comedies while eating bon bons in memoriam of St. Valentine, whoever he was.

Why does Valentine’s Day exist? It’s cheesy, overrated and another excuse for Hollywood to make really bad movies. Well, I guess I can think of a couple validations for Valentine’s Day.

For example, I think of dysfunctional young couples that need an annual reminder that their relationship should consist of something more than just sex; so, in honor of Valentine’s Day, they throw in a nice dinner and maybe some flowers, too. Whereas on the other end of the spectrum, I think of couples that are really old and only have sex three times a year.

Certainly for all of these people, Valentine’s Day should be an important event – along with a lot of therapy. But Valentine’s Day is not necessary for couples who are already borderline codependent and finish each others’ sentences because “it’s so cute.” After all, these are the couples who fuel the fires of the bitterly singled.

For those who are in relationships, be aware of the subtle but painful “single-awareness” that your aura of happiness engenders among the lonely. Simply be aware of your PDA and save your extravagant gestures of love and affection for more private places. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be so overrated. And for the single people, get over it – anyone can date; Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to make you any more jaded.

Austin Phillips can be reached at [email protected]