Everyday — It’s tough being me. Really.

1 p.m.: Crawl groggily out of bed. Make breakfast burrito. Delicious.

2 p.m.: “General Hospital.” Someone dies, someone loses their memory, and they all act horribly. Suddenly, at 2:59 p.m., I’m left empty. Gasp!

3 p.m.: “Ellen” comes to my rescue. This woman’s practically my best friend. Ahhh — daytime TV.

Wednesday, specifically —It’s a shock to me when my father calls and says: “You’re slacking! You’re lazy! Get a job!”

I admit, I am enjoying unemployment. I hated working at the mall, and quitting was quite liberating. But that was two months ago, and unfortunately, sleeping 14 hours a day doesn’t pay very much. So I need to find something between unemployment and torturous employment. Is it possible? A job I enjoy? I stand and cry out YES!

Then I sit back down and finish watching “Ellen” — Britney Spears is on. The meaningful and fulfilling job search begins at 4 p.m.

4 p.m.: OK, classifieds! Here we go! Let’s see … what’ve we got here … Oooooh — puppies for sale! Ahhh, they’re so cute. Off track, damn it! Stay strong!

Let’s focus: Nothing at the mall. I like working with kids. I need something semi-enjoyable. Part time, of course, because I still have to watch “Ellen.” Those are all the criteria I have. Oh! And no stripping — a girl has to have principles.

Cashier, receptionist, topless dancer … This newspaper was not listening to me. Carpenter? That could be fun! “What the world needs now is love, sweet love…” No? OK.

Counselor? That involves children. Then again, the last time I worked with kids, I wasn’t directly influencing their development. If I’m counseling them, they obviously have problems.

5 p.m.: I finish with the paper, call some places, and even leave to turn in applications. One place is next door. After some much-needed rest, Plan J-O-B is back in action tomorrow.

Thursday —I am awake at an incomprehensible 7 o’clock! We are on our way to two interviews! That’s right, TWO!

Prospective Job No. 1: Child care at Arden Hills Country Club. Where the hell is this place? I’ve been driving for miles. The sun is rising in my eyes. Oooh! There’s the club (as I’m passing it)!

Damn — it’s like a real country club. My car is for sure the worst thing in this lot.The interview goes well. She obviously loves me. The job includes access to the facilities. Work out and meet rich men? Score.

Prospective Job No. 2: Tutor for Early Start to Emancipation Preparation Program. In English? Teaching foster children. I don’t get nervous for interviews, but here I’m faced with business people and left to sweat in a conference room. My interviewers sit down. There are two of them? They’ve got lists?

All of the sudden, BAM! Questions start flying at me! Scenarios, qualifications, responsibilities! They’re taking turns. All I wanted was a job. Help!

Phew. I’m out alive. I definitely need Job No. 1. And then I get “The Call.”

“I’d love the position!” I say to the woman from Arden Hills. “Sure I can come for paperwork tomorrow … Drug test?”

Did she say “drug test”? Damn. Did I mention what helps make “Ellen” even funnier?

I’m set on Job No. 1, so I’m panicking. Twenty-four hours! Flush the system! I’ve never drank so much in my life.

5 p.m.: Pee.

5:15 p.m.: Pee.

5:45 p.m.: Pee. This has gotta work. If not, then supposedly drops of Visine in the sample will do the trick.

Friday —1 p.m.: I’m jittery when I arrive at the testing center. An unfriendly pee woman says to come out with my sample quickly — there are strict temperature requirements. Gotcha.

So there’s one minute on the clock. I’m in a tiny bathroom, with a tiny paper cup, trying to catch the middle of the stream; I hear it’s the least concentrated. I worry that the time I’m taking to finish and tidy up is letting my sample get cold. (It’s only been about two seconds, but the pee woman scares me.) Forgot the Visine!

There’s no way I passed. But it’s OK — two days of job-related work is good enough for me. Interviews should appease my dad until next week.

Just waking up early makes me feel like I’m leading a more rewarding life. And look, I’m home just in time for “Ellen!”