Being a gay NFL football player put Esera Tuaolo on the brink of suicide. Tuaolo came to Sacramento State’s Redwood Room in the University Union on Oct. 12 and spoke about his life and what it was like to be in the closet up until his retirement in 2000.

The event was co-hosted by the PRIDE Center and the Multi-Cultural Center. PRIDE Center program coordinator Edgar Camacho said that Tuaolo’s story is important for relaying information and opening up awareness of the discrimination that occurs.

Tuaolo played nine seasons in the NFL including stints with the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings. The former defensive lineman spent used football as a way of releasing some anger and frustration.

“Football was a way for me to get rid of my aggression,” Tuaolo said.

Football was also a source of much of his built up anger.

Despite being good at football, the sport was where Tuaolo ran into his harshest discrimination.

“The jokes in the locker room were so difficult for me,” Tuaolo said. “I’d hear things and I’d have to bite my lip.”

“The locker room environment got worse as I progressed my career,” Tuaolo said. He thought that the more professional that he got, the better it would be. “There is a lot more homophobia in the NFL,” Tuaolo said. “They would refer to gays as faggots, queer, or fudgepackers,” he said.

It was the constant joking in the locker room that made him fearful that someone would find out about him being gay. This drove Tuaolo to alcohol.

“I would drink two bottles of tequila a night to drown away the pain,” he said. “My life was miserable, fearing that someone would find out resulted in many sleepless nights. After reading a book by former NFL player David Capay, Tuaolo said he had a revelation.

“The book opened up things for me,” he said. Capay was the first NFL player to come out after his NFL career.

“The book gave me hope and possibility,” he said. That spring, Tuaolo met his husband of 10 years, Mitchell. They have since adopted two children and are proud parents.

Despite the book, Tuaolo still suppressed his sexuality.

“I was so paranoid to type the word ‘gay’ into the internet because I didn’t want it to be tracked back to me,” he said.

Tuaolo said that his mother helped him through some tough times and has been the one constant in his life even calling himself a ‘momma’s boy.’

“I told her on a Mother’s day and she cried,” he said. Tuaolo said that day opened up a new world for him and his mom.

Once he became established in the NFL, Tuaolo bought his mom her first wedding ring as a way of repaying her for being there for him.

“I flew her to Green Bay and took her to the mall,” he said. “I could buy her anything that she wanted.”

Tuaolo wants to get his message across to anyone who will listen. “I’m not here to change you or convert you,” he said. “I am here to educate you on issues that (lesbians and gays) deal with.”He said that he is proud to be a gay man, a gay athlete, a husband and a father to his kids. He hopes that speaking about his experiences will help other people get through similar situations. He has written a book and is pursuing a singing career. He even sang Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” during the event. He said that the song saved his life a few times.

Tuaolo is also working with the NFL to increase awareness. He spoke to the NFL rookies this past season.

He had lunch with several members of Sac State’s athletic department before his speech. “I was impressed with the support from the athletic department here on campus,” he said. “It is important to getting the message across.”

Vinnie Gesuele can be reached at sports@statehornet