First, let me say my perspective is slanted entirely toward men’s bathrooms because the last time I ran into a ladies’ room I was probably 3.

Going into a public bathroom to relieve yourself is not the most comfortable place for men to go. We are taught from a young age that the bathroom is a sanctuary.

A place where we go to think, and occasionally run through a wonderful Sam Cassell article in the new ESPN the Magazine.

Following a few simple rules can reduce the awkwardness of these public run-ins in a normally private place. Making the world a better place for all our pee-pee partners.

Let’s start at the beginning: Before you get into a stall, or in many men’s cases a urinal, you should think about washing your hands. (The last thing that touched my package before I go to the bathroom at school is some soap and washrag, then a towel to dry, then some draws) My hands, however, have run through my dog, car, possibly a gas pump, some money, some door handles, some desks, some chairs, you get the picture. Moral, my hands have seen more germs than my bozack. Get those hands clean before you get down to business.Now that your hands are clean and you look out into the restroom there are a few positioning etiquettes that you need to consider. The first is the urinal buffer. If there are three urinals, never take the middle one unless absolutely necessary. If you are the first one into the bathroom, take a side one, so that if someone else comes in, they can take a side one as well. It is also better to take a stall than to violate the urinal buffer. Speaking of stalls, there is never a time when you can’t take a stall. Some guys are just bladder shy, it’s a survival instinct.

Now you are positioned to do your business.

There is no talking while at a urinal, save it until you are at the sink, or back outside. It’s not that important.

Also, no one likes that guy who is humming or whistling, or singing his favorite tune in the bathroom.

This brings us to the end, the part people mess up.

I don’t buy into the common thought about washing urine off your hands. I have used the restroom to pee roughly 28,658 times in my life and don’t remember ever peeing on my hands.

An American Society of Microbiology study done last year found that nearly a quarter of men don’t wash their hands after doing their business. Those guys are just gross.

It is another group that I would like to address, the men who think putting soap on their hands and then rinsing it off before lathering it substantiates a wash. I find about half the men that do wash their hands, don’t wash their hands correctly. So if you take the 25 percent of men that don’t wash their hands, and the half of the other 75 percent, in total, about 62.5 percent of men either don’t wash or don’t wash well enough.

If you can’t follow that math, quit school.

Now that the rules have been laid out, maybe they should be put up above the urinals for people to read. Men like that.

Robert Alvis can be reached at [email protected]