Where have all the Kings fans gone?

They dropped their first preseason game to the feared Warriors and none of the purple faithful were to be found.

So I assume my theory is correct: Kings fans have finally caught on and realized their hopes of a championship are about as good as Brad Miller going to see a dentist.

There is one thing you can do if you’re a Kings fan though: Send letters, make phone calls and picket outside of Arco Arena until the Kings fire Geoff Petrie.

And hire me.

My resume speaks for itself. Just last season I won two consecutive Super Bowls in Madden’s franchise mode, a fantasy football championship and I totally called like six Bonds home runs.

But most importantly, I won six straight ESPN 2K5 basketball championships.

Here’s how I won a championship with the Kings in ESPN 2K5 and how I would do it in reality:

I fire Rick Adelman. The guy will never win the big one and a change should have been made years ago. A coach like Rudy Tomjanovich would have been a perfect fit with the Kings’ fast-break style offense, but he is with the Lakers now. So I offer a newly retired Phil Jackson a contract he just can’t refuse. I guarantee Phil coaches again, and I’ll make sure it’s with the Kings.

I would not try and move Chris Webber. His trade value is too low and — as still one of the best power forwards in the league — there is nothing you could garner in return that would be better than him. The frontcourt is already set nicely with Webber, Miller and Greg Ostertag.

This offseason you could have moved Peja Stojakovic to the Celtics in return for Paul Pierce. Phil doesn’t need to baby another star and since Pierce is rated a 93 and Peja is just an 89, I make the deal with Boston.

Next I move Christie to small forward — he can do anything Peja could do at the position — and run Pierce at shooting guard.

The last piece of the puzzle is at point guard. Right now the Kings have two solid guards in Mike Bibby and Bobby Jackson, but they’re rated only 84 and 81 respectively.

Send both of them to the Nets for Jason Kidd. Kidd wants out of New Jersey and the Nets would gladly make the deal. Now I get a point guard with a 94 rating who can play some defense. The team gets a true point guard and the overall team defense improves drastically. Webber becomes the biggest beneficiary of Kidd, and rejuvenates his career.

The bench is weak, but it doesn’t matter when we are only playing five-minute quarters. I would write a letter to David Stern and demand a change — fans hate these long-ass games anyways.

Here’s the championship squad: Kidd, Pierce, Christie, Webber and Miller, coached by Phil. With my leadership, maybe the Kings could finally have something over the Warriors.

** So Barry Bonds is on steroids? The evidence continues to mount, and it’s pretty tough to argue now.

So I’ve come to a new conclusion: Who cares if Bonds did steroids?

Not me. The man is a pioneer. Perhaps instead of chastising him, we should be celebrating the great things him and steroids have been doing for the game.

And instead of chasing after free agents, the Giants should work on signing BALCO to a long-term, exclusive team contract and hook Michael Tucker up with some of that good stuff.

** The worst part was listening to Gary Sheffield complain that he unknowingly used steroids that Bonds had given him.

First off, come on Shef’ that’s guy code. Secondly, did anyone else happen to notice that Sheffield just admitted to having used steroids? He’s a real piece of work.

** Don’t forget to set your Tivo for this fall’s new hit: Law and Order: Barry Bonds.

** You know that feeling when you hit the perfect golf shot? Yeah… me neither.

** After watching the Yankees running through the postseason again this year, I am left with one thought: George Steinbrenner is mean. Nothing like the jolly man we’ve grown to love through Seinfeld and Visa commercials.

Want to make amends Steinbrenner? Just kick the Giants down A-Rod or Jeter. I mean what are you married to them or something? Selfish bastard.

** The Patriots have won two of the last three Super Bowls and have started the season 5-0. Still, does anyone take them seriously? I compare their success to the jerk in your fantasy league that drafted Curtis Martin and Javon Walker with their first two picks and claims greatness — you know it’s not going to last, but each week they somehow prove you wrong.

** 49ers fans: think back to the Merton Hanks “chicken dance.” Play that dance in your head for at least five seconds… remember his play against the Cowboys in ’94… brings a smile to your face doesn’t it?

Now think of new owner John York. Sad isn’t it?

I won’t pay for one more 49ers ticket as long as he owns this team and I think everyone else should do the same. How long are you going to take someone out on dates if they aren’t putting-out?

** And Raiders fans thought they would be able to look down on and laugh at the 49ers — talk about bleak situations by the Bay.

Is it just me, or is it really hard to take NFL referees seriously after all these hilarious beer commercials? E-mail me and let me know at [email protected]