When I first arrived at Sacramento State two years ago, the onlything looking good was other schools. Much like my relationships, Iwas instantly shopping for something better.

“Sacramento, for your size and importance, you’reboring as hell,” I told him. “There’s not aninteresting city within 60 miles of you. You’re too close tohome. Your dorms are a nightmare. You don’t have a decenttaqueria in your

entire city. There are, like, three attractive girls per onesemi-attractive male. Ahem, uh, not that it matters becauseyou’re the only one for me, Sac. But, really now, don’ttake this personally but, your campus is too small. I’ve

tried and I just can’t make this work.”

I’ve been ready and waiting for my soul mate, New YorkCity. I’ve always been attracted to those “badass” cities &- they challenge me, there’s alwayssomething new, there’s nothing small about ’em and boy,are they exciting. I told Sacramento I was leaving, and Ianticipated my wild times with New York.

But all of the sudden I noticed New York smokes too much. NewYork thinks he’s better than me. New York’s moody. NewYork parties too much. And New York won’t settle down.

So when I began to write another obnoxious column, andSacramento sulked in the background, I noticed that I didn’thave much to bitch and moan about. I’m

beginning to grow fond of this city. Fond enough &- gasp!&- to want to stay?

No! It’s too late now. New York is the plan. Soul mates,remember? I’ve been working to make myself good enough forNew York for years. If I stay with Sacramento, I’ll get lazyand fat and barely graduate.

So Sacramento and I sat down for a little chat, and I tried toexplain my emotions:

“It’s not great that it’s taken me two yearsto warm up to you as a home, Sac, but I know I’m not theeasiest to please. I’ve been so hard on you. I never gave youa fair chance, and I wish I would’ve appreciated what I had.I enjoyed the recently released movies and up-and-coming bands oncampus.

“And there were an array of interesting and deliciousdining choices throughout town. I was so stubborn with my taste forMexican food. Did I think New York would be any better? They hardlyeven have Mexican people there, much less a good burrito.

“But I still don’t like your friends &-Woodland, Roseville, Elk Grove and, for God’s sake, Davis. Nowonder you’re so damn dull.

“But we did meet good people and have good times. FairlakeApartments, although not your best feature, was fun while itlasted. And I always loved downtown. Ah, reading in the park onSundays.

“I felt at ease wandering around Old Sac, Sutter’sFort or the Capitol. We went to the museums and we went to theclubs. With your zoo and your Fairytale Town, I could see you loveanimals and kids. New York on the other hand? Well he’s justnot an animal-and-kids kinda guy.

“And I was surprised at how much I liked the weather,always warmer than the Bay Area. I ragged to East Coast friends whowere suffering through below zero temperatures about my Californiafun in the sun. And now, I’ll be one of them.

“But you and me, Sac, we like different things. You likeskiing and

basketball, while I like baseball and NASCAR. You’refanaticism for the Kings was endearing, though.

You’re into politics and history and you’re alwaystoo conservative. Me with my liberal attitude, alwayscontradictory. I mean, for Christ’s sake, Sac! You let ArnoldSchwarzenegger into our home.

“But, really, there’s no point in us arguing. Thetruth is, if I stay, I’ll never be truly satisfied. No,it’s not about your small campus (but that doesn’thelp). It’s that I’ll never know what’s out thereand I don’t want to have any regrets. I’d rather leaveyou on a good note, with tender memories.

“Oh, Sac, don’t cry. I mean, I don’t plan onbuilding a future with New York or anything. California is just tooperfect. I never had any complaints about her. So I’ll beback, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

“And if not? Well, Sacramento, I’ll never have a badthing to say about you.”