Before I could legally drive I had to get a driver’s license. Before I can own a gun I’d have to pass a safety test and a background check. If I ever wanted to go hunting with that gun, I’d need a hunting license. If I wanted to have a child, I’d need… oh, well I actually wouldn’t need a license then. I wouldn’t have to prove to anyone that I am ready or mature enough to help create a life. To get that new gun though…

It makes sense to test people to see if they can handle the responsibility of driving a car or owning a gun and being intelligent enough to safely use that gun. We do that to make sure whoever is driving that car or firing that gun knows what they’re doing. So why do we put so much emphasis on these privileges and so little on potential parents? Does the quality of our kids’ parents really matter less than being able to drive your dad’s old Buick LeSabre?

The problem today is that people think it is a right to have children, that somewhere hidden in the Constitution we are guaranteed the ability to procreate. Well I am sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s not there, and a lot of you out there should not be passing on your genes. That doesn’t mean you’re bad people, it just means that for one reason or another you are unfit to raise a child.

Right now I am one of those people as well; I don’t have the financial capability or the maturity to give a child everything he or she needs.

According to the Department of Agriculture, which determines the amount it will cost to raise a child from birth to the age of 17, popping out a little bundle of joy will run you somewhere in the neighborhood of $500,000. That can be broken down into smaller sums as well, say for instance clothing. Over the span of those 17 years, a child’s clothing alone will cost you about $17,000.

What I propose to fix this dilemma is that hopeful parents be required to pass a wide-ranging test before allowing them to bear children. This process would include a look into your financial means as well as a credit check. A behavioral test would also be included to quiz you on various child raising scenarios. If you passed everything, you would receive your license and you could be off on your merry baby-making way. However, if you failed it and were caught illegally in the possession of a child you would have 6 months to a year depending on the situation to take or re-take the test. Fail and your child would be taken into foster care.

Of course the plan would go more in-depth than stated here, but this is the way we have to start thinking. If you automatically assume that everyone inherently has the right to bear children just look at Nadya Suleman, queen of in vitro fertilization. She is the proud parent of this country’s longest living octuplets and is now the proud mother of 14 children in all. Fourteen is enough to start your own basketball team. Her own mom insists she’s been obsessed with having kids since high school, saying in a recent article by the Associated Press, “Instead of becoming a kindergarten teacher or something, she started having them, but not the normal way.”

“This woman could not comprehend the ramifications of having eight children of the same age at the same time,” said Judith Horowitz, a psychologist and author who works with couples on fertility issues. “After Pampers stops delivering the free diapers, then what?”

Let’s see if she would even get to that concern with a sample question from the proposed test: If you have six children, no spouse and no discernible income, what should your next logical step be?

A. Stop having kids

B. Start adopting more kids

C. Buy stock in a fertility treatment company of your choice

D. Get pumped full of embryos so you can have eight more

If you are inspired to start your own support group for children with insane parents, then by all means chose D. If, however, you even remotely care about the well-being and future of your children then I suggest choosing A. Don’t worry too much though, this test isn’t real. I mean it’s not like you’re trying to become a pilot or something important like that.

Matt Rascher can be reached at [email protected]