I’ve tried basketball, baseball, football, and tennis. None of those sports are for me. I’m short, slow and un-athletic. But there is one sport that I believe that I can really excel in and that’s curling.

If you aren’t aware of the sport of curling, you really should get yourself acquainted. Curling is the sport where a guy gently pushes a rock along the ice, while two grown men sweep brooms in front of it, in an effort to make it stop in the middle a red circle (which is called “the house”). Now if that doesn’t sound exciting, I don’t know what does.

I have all the tools needed to be a great curler. I know how to sweep, and I know how to walk. All I need to do now is learn the rules, find a place to curl and I’m set to go.

Curling is a sport where being in shape or being athletic is of no importance. Therefore, curling is just the sport for me.I can see it now?

“Lozito has the broom in hand. He’s sweeping, and sweeping, and sweeping?and sweeping, and he takes it to the house. 20,000 fans jump to their feet and chant as one, ‘Lozito, Lozito, Lozito.'”

One day, yes, one day, I, Nicholas Lozito, will sweep that rock to the house. Maybe even win a gold medal.

Yeah! A gold medal, wouldn’t that be great. Then America will put me in the same class as Carl Lewis, Michael Jordan, and Jesse Owens.

I will stand at the top of the medal platform, with a single tear running down my cheek, national anthem playing in the background and with broom in hand, knowing that I swept my hardest for the good old U.S of A.

Then, when my curling days are over, and I am an old man, I can tell my grand kids all of my great curling stories.

Like the time I saw the rock going to the right, and then I swept it back to the left. Or the time I saw it going to the left, and then I swept it to the right.

People will write books about me, tell stories about me, even write songs about me. They will say, “That Nicholas Lozito sure swept a mean broom.”

And they will be right.

Then, when I get old, and my curling injuries (arthritis) start to take their toll, I can always turn to a career in housekeeping.