Editor’s Note: Iowa State men’s basketball coach Larry Eustachy lost his job after photos turned up of him drinking at a Univ. of Missouri party. Columnist James Burns shows a bit more remorse for the coach.

Dear Iowa State men’s basketball coach Larry Eustachy,

Sorry to hear that you were caught red-handed at a fraternity party, coach. That guy with a camera was a real party pooper.

Who wants to coach in Iowa anyways? What does Iowa State have to offer a 47-year-old coach in the prime of his career, with some good drinking years still ahead of him? You can only go to so many bonfires in the cornfields before things get old, you know?That’s probably why you started partying on the road. I would have too, but then again, I’m 22 years old.

Age aside, Eustachy, you’re my boy!

But coach, why Missouri and Kansas State? I’m sure you could have found some better bars or house parties at Boston College when you lost to the Eagles, or in Texas when you guys got the seat of your pants handed to you by the Longhorns. You probably tried but girls there just weren’t feeling the old guy thing, huh?

Don’t worry, none of my drinking buddies look down on what you did. We even poured some of our 40’s out for our homie (that’s you). Heck, if you had pulled these stunts at one our parties, no one would have ever known. Maybe except for the guy at the party who dared you to hit on the 18-year-old freshman? But you know what coach, I probably would have been that guy and I know I wouldn’t have said anything or taken those photos.

Man, I wish you were here with us right now. Coors Light and Miller Lite went on sale at the Chevron last weekend. Can you believe you can get an 18-pack of cans or bottles for $10 now?

Albertson’s has a special — a 30-pack for $19 — but you got to be a preferred member to get that deal. I bet a family man like yourself has one of those little keychain cards.

Speaking of beer, what’s with the Natural Ice coach? When you were drinking, did you ever just look down and think, “I’m a coach. I’m the highest paid public official in Iowa and I’m drinking a freakin’ Natty Ice!”

I got to tell you, coach, the social scene in Sacramento is underrated. We sit right in the middle of everything in Northern California. To our west we have San Francisco, with its nightlife, clubs and red-light district. We are just a stones-throw away from Tahoe and all its gambling and free booze. Even here in town we have a handful of great strip clubs and bars. Trust me, a guy like you would fit in over here.

Consider this as an invitation, coach. This weekend there are a couple of apartment parties. Apartment parties are kind of like house parties, only better.

If one apartment party closes down, you can always talk the drunkest guy there into opening his apartment up.

You see in Sacramento, nobody likes to be “That Guy” — the party pooper.

The one big problem with Iowa State is they are in the Big 12. Coach, teams like the Cyclones are used to winning and bringing honor to the school. That’s why the ordeal with you was such a big deal. Nobody in Iowa understands the post-loss stress you were under.

At Sac State, we’re used to underachieving programs. We’re used to drowning our sorrows in beer and alcohol.

I can’t remember the last time I watched the fourth quarter of a Causeway Classic. Once Davis goes up by multiple touchdowns and the beer garden closes, I go looking for the after party.

Coach, I know you have a lot of issues to work through with your wife, but if you get some free time, shoot out to Sacramento this summer.

There’s nothing better than the American River, summer sweat and half-naked college girls while drinking a keg of your favorite beer. And, if you want, we’ll even get one of Natty Ice for you.

Your Wingman,

James Burns

Personal Ad

47 year-old male seeks laid-back atmosphere to coach basketball of any level. My interests include: Chilling with some brews, attracting young hotties, performing the “running man” at middle school dances, and party hopping with my frat buddies. I think I have a lot of funny stories and experience to offer new players and their “lady friends.” You can hit me up on my celly at any time — and hey, I’m buying the twelver.

— Mock personal ad by Jimmy Spencer

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