Editor?s note: Regular columnist Greg Kane was unable to turn in an article this week because his computer crashed. Or so he says. In his place, we are running a column of news briefs from around the Sacramento State campus. The following is 100 percent, absolutely false…but a little part of us wishes these briefs were true:

Weight-loss guru Simmons to speak at spring commencement

Eager to send graduates off with a positive attitude, administrators announced Wednesday that super-positive weight-loss guru Richard Simmons would speak at next month?s graduation ceremony. “When (Sacramento Bee publisher) Janis Heaphy spoke, it was all ?civil liberties? and ?don?t let the government mislead you.? That?s not the kind of message we want our students to hear before heading into the real world,” said a source close to the situation. “Richard Simmons is happy and energetic. This year?s ceremony will be fun, fun, fun!” Candidates not chosen include Big Bird, Ronald McDonald and Barney the dinosaur.

Radio station struggles under demands of listener

Student-run radio station KSSU (1580 AM) ran into problems Tuesday trying to please its audience, freshman dorm resident Lonnie Payton, 17. “He really likes the hardcore stuff, like Slipknot and Soulfly, but then he complains if we don?t play old punk bands like the Dead Kennedys,” said a source at the radio station. “It?s a pain, but he is our listening audience.” The station hopes to double its audience this weekend when Lonnie?s friend Tony visits from Modesto.

Protester unsure of who should “Free Tibet”

Sporting a nifty “Free Tibet” T-shirt in the Quad Friday, freshman Andy Madson admitted he had no idea who or what was holding the Chinese region captive. “Is it al Qaeda or the Taliban? I always get the two confused,” Madson confessed. “Actually, I got this shirt at a benefit concert. The Beastie Boys were there. It was awesome!” Madson also thinks Che Guevara played drums in Bob Marley?s band and Mumia Abu Jamal is in prison for “standing up to apartheid, or something.”

Student angered that ASI is actually student government

Junior Bill Jones, 22, expressed anger Friday after learning the $107 ASI fee he is forced to pay each semester goes to Sac State?s student government organization. “I thought ASI meant ?Additional School Investments,? or something like that,” Jones said. “Student government? What the hell are they going to do with all that money? Build bigger campaign signs?” Jones then became irate after discovering none of his tuition fees go toward more important matters, such as the construction of additional parking structures.

Spanish 7 “mucho bueno,” student says

Senior Carla Fogle, 23, bestowed the esteemed ranking of “mucho bueno” on her Spanish Reading Comprehension class Thursday. “I?ve never taken Spanish in my life, and I still have an ?B?,” Fogle said. “Me enjoyo la clase mucho bueno.” When informed that this sentence made absolutely no sense, she added, “Who cares? I completed the language requirement, didn?t I?”

Student wishes guy would just pick a cell phone ring

Senior Melissa Feeley, 35, wishes the guy in the chair next to her at the University Union would just pick a freaking cell phone ring already. “He plays the one that sounds like bells, then the beeping one, then the one that mimics the A-Team song,” Feeley complains. “Then it?s back to the bells again. I?m about to lose my mind.” Feeley also can?t stand the three kids at the table to her left who insist on playing MP3s from a laptop computer.

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