SPICY TAKES: How can I get my life together and stay clean off these boys so I can heal?


Photo and illustrations by Emily Rabasto - The State Hornet

Meet the face behind the new advice column at The State Hornet "Sierra's Spicy Takes," Sierra Savage.

Sierra Savage, Distribution manager

Reader be advised: Sierra’s Spicy Takes is, as the kids might say, NSFW. Read at your own discretion.

This is a continuation of last week’s Spicy Take. Last week, Sierra discussed how to overcome trauma from a sexually abusive relationship.

Everybody goes through some sort of trauma. I want to personally thank Body Betrayal for choosing to share her experiences on a platform this large. It will help more than just you and your courage is invaluable.

Last week was pretty intense but this is the time where we rebuild.

Q: Although rationally I know I’m not ready for another relationship within at least the next year or so, on the other hand I’m thirsty af and more hopelessly romantic than ever before (in terms of wishing I was in a relationship that was loving and affectionate). I’m an enormously hot fucking mess and I know nothing about hooking up for one night stands safely, so I probably won’t do that. The only guys around me that have sort of shown interest (I wish they didn’t) are super shitty toxic people and don’t deserve the pussy AT ALL. Any advice on how to get my shit together and stay clean off these boys so I can heal?? Being thirsty all the time is serious shit and my vibrator is starting to not cut it, but I know better than to start a relationship at this point in my life.

    — Body Betrayal

A: Rational thought is both a blessing and a curse.

You’re probably not “ready” for a relationship but sometimes relationships sneak up on us. You could have your very own meet-cute at a coffee shop.

That being said, you should definitely put a majority of your focus on healing yourself. Don’t give yourself a limit or a minimum time period.

I’m not a licensed therapist but if I were to therapize you, I would guess that you’re craving emotional intimacy because you’ve been lacking it for so long.

Your ex was really bad. In my experience, people who have been through trauma tend to either try to directly replace their abuser with someone very similar OR they swing the opposite direction.

You seem to be swinging the opposite direction by looking for something healthy. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I would just advise you to keep those desires in check by monitoring your feelings.

Ask yourself, “are these feelings based in reason or am I searching for a way to heal my heart?”

You keep bringing yourself down and I’m not sure why. It could be that I don’t have enough context or information. It could be that you’re being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. I’m willing to bet it’s the latter.

You might be “an enormously hot fucking mess,” but you’re probably just a person going through a rough time.

Your self-esteem has most likely taken a hit. You should be surrounding yourself with the people and things that will help build you back up. Spending extra time with friends who love and cherish you will help you to understand your worth and what you deserve.

Also, YES! Keep those shitty toxic people AWAY. Let them know that you’re not interested. You don’t have to tolerate advances.

As I said in a previous column, we are all good enough to enjoy the people we keep in our lives. We all deserve happiness. I truly believe with the right support, we can all get there — and so can you, Body Betrayal.

RELATED: Sierra’s Spicy Takes: New year, new you?

Swiping right on the worst of the worst can be a lot of fun. I can almost guarantee that it won’t produce the healing relationship you seem to crave though.

However, if you are interested in figuring out how to hook up, I’ve talked about it twice before: here and here.

It is going to be difficult work. You’re going to end up rejecting a lot of advances and spending some serious time reflecting, but in the end I know your mental health will be better for it.

Future you will thank you for this conscious effort.

I say it a lot, but Body Betrayal, I genuinely want to hear an update of your situation if you’re willing. I believe in you and you will flourish, I’m sure of it.

If you have better advice for me or for my readers, please write in and your responses may be published. Don’t forget to submit your questions here or below and come back next week to read more Spicy Takes with Sierra!