Sierra’s Spicy Takes: Sex toys and preventing guys from becoming emasculated


Illustration by Claire Morgan - The State Hornet

In this week's Spicy Takes, a reader is interested in using a sleeve with a partner.

Sierra Savage, Distrubtion manager

Reader be advised: Sierra’s Spicy Takes is, as the kids might say, NSFW. Read at your own discretion.

I like to believe that I am one of the most sex-positive people I know, and that’s why this week’s Spicy Takes with Sierra is tackling some of the spiciest questions we’ve received.

Q: “Alright, so I’ve been having sex with this guy for months, we’re not in a relationship nor have we “dtr.” Our sex is usually pretty good, but I really want to get a sleeve for his penis because 1) it looks interesting 2) he’s a bit on the smaller side, and I’m curious to know if it’ll add anything to our sex life. How do I approach him about this without making him feel emasculated or weird, especially since we aren’t in a relationship? Is it weird to ask him about this because we aren’t officially together? Should I spend money on one or should I just invest in a dildo?”

  • Sleeveless in Sac

A: (For my less internet-savvy readers, “dtr” stands for “define the relationship.” It usually is in reference to the conversation people have where they decide if they’re going to actually date instead of just screwing around.)

There are always going to be people less sex-positive than you are. That’s no reason to not get what you want!

My only follow up to what you provided is whether or not you want to actually see this guy in a relationship sort of way as opposed to whatever situation you two have now.

If you do, I would tread with slight caution, because people have all sorts of opinions on toys, and in my experience, men especially feel that it’s a commentary on their performance if their partner needs or wants something else. To my male readers: THAT ISN’T TRUE!

Moving on to my favorite part of this question: YES! Go treat yourself to a sleeve AND a dildo, if you can afford it. I love people exploring using toys, and think it’s one of the best things you can invest in for yourself!

I don’t personally feel that he should feel emasculated, because a sleeve is just another toy and it should never be seen as a commentary on what your partner may or may not be lacking.

If he does feel weird about it, I would try comparing a sleeve to any other kind of toy on the market: They’re tools for making you or your partner feel good, and that should be the main goal when having sex with someone.

If he isn’t open to toys at all but you are that is definitely something to consider when thinking about moving forward.

My main ex, who we talked about last week, wasn’t ever really interested in toys and it left me wanting more in certain areas. Since our break up I’ve remedied that situation and I would recommend that everyone do the same.

RELATED: Sierra’s Spicy Takes: Am I too boring for my girlfriend?

Q: “Sex has been painful for me, since about half a year since I became sexually active. My ex abused me sexually when he realized that I was wanting sex less and less because of the pain. Now that I am free and on my own, I would love to have another sexual relationship but I’m worried about the pain bothering me and turning the guy off. I suspect I might have vaginismus, because the pain usually goes away after a minute or two, but I’m always incredibly tight and certain positions cause me pain to the point of tears. Also, after sex, it wasn’t uncommon for me to be sore or bleed for up to a week afterwards. I’m working on myself (pun fully intended) with a sex toy I bought, but I can barely get the toy in me without feeling like I hit a wall because it gets tighter and more painful the further in I push it. I know I haven’t hit my cervix because that is always the first glimmer of pleasure I feel during intercourse. Do you have any tips so I can loosen up and have a good time? Penetration is always the worst because it burns/hurts at the beginning and as I go deeper it’s more of a ripping pain like my muscles are too tight and I am forcing them. I ALWAYS use tons of lube and foreplay, but it only helps a tiny bit. Also, I have been to many doctors for this and I don’t have any STD/STI or anything, they haven’t mentioned endometriosis (they never checked for it), and they always just want to treat even the smallest amount of yeast I have with a month’s worth of antibiotics which I don’t trust anymore. Yeast has nothing to do with my pain and it does not bother me so it really isn’t a flare-up or anything.”

  • Painful Sex

A: My heart breaks for you, but I don’t think you came here looking for pity.

I’m not a doctor and, unless my life goes completely awry, I won’t be one anytime soon. You should keep seeking the care of a doctor until you find one that can supply you with some sort of answers.

If you haven’t already watched them, there are numerous videos that I’ve personally watched of women telling their stories of not being believed by doctors or not finding the correct diagnoses for their vaginal pain.

(Hot take warning; this is partially because society as a whole doesn’t care as much about women’s pleasure as they should.)

To actually try and give you some answers instead of just resources, I want to tell you that your ex is human garbage.

I don’t care if he gives orphans the clothes off his back. He sexually assaulted you and that’s one of the worst things a person can do to another person.

You have every reason to be worried about a future relationship, but you don’t owe your partner vaginal sex. You don’t owe your partner anything, to be honest,  and if he has a problem with that he should probably hit the road.

There are so many ways to be intimate with a partner that do not include inserting things into your vagina and I would highly suggest any and all of those to you while you’re on this journey. I also recommend it to all women seeing as only twenty-five percent of women orgasm from vaginal intercourse.

Things like clitoral stimulation and oral either with your partner or yourself and some toys will probably be better roads to your own satisfaction. If you and your partner can’t live without penetration, there’s always the woefully underutilized and misunderstood anal sex.

And if none of the above get you hot and heavy there are a million other options out there in this big wide world; explore.

If you have other advice or think I’m wrong, please write in and your responses might be published! Don’t forget to submit your questions here or below and come back next week to read more Spicy Takes with Sierra!