Dante Frattini

Breaking up is technically one single action. But next to glacial movement and supernovas, breaking up is one of the most drawn-out processes there is.

Or at least that has been my experience.

Guys and girls. The heartbreakers and the heartbroken. Everyone at one point in their dating life has uttered this infamous and cringe-worthy phrase during a break-up.

“We can still be friends, right?” No. The end…

What’s that? Oh, crap. Never mind. My editors are telling me I need more. Fine.

Remaining friends after a breakup seems fairly harmless. At first glance it actually seems logical.

So, say two people were not able to cultivate a successful romantic relationship with each other. With so many common interests and a high level of comfort between them, why does this have to mean the end of their friendship?

Because people in your social life should only get promoted. Like a job promotion, your friends get access to new and greater things as they move up.

When you initially become someone’s friend you learn of their basic background, meet other friends and attend parties. But you know there is more.

If you gain inner-circle status, you have more responsibility. You are now entrusted in such sacred acts as secret-keeping and bringing the right kind of chips to guys’ night.

If your inner-circle friends share with your co-worker the story about you, the cactus, the condom and the dare, they just cannot go back to “regular friend” status. Even if it just slipped, they are done.

A demotion does not work here because the privileges one would lose are too severe. Same goes for significant others.

It is hard to be around the person you were the most open and honest around, when you realize they no longer want you to be that way around them.

“I have only remained friends with one ex,” said Caitlin Kerton, business major. “I ended up hurting him when he saw I was moving on.”

You see them much less frequently and it is always uncomfortable when your paths cross. People who were dumped are likely to be overly chipper just to prove they are all right with this, even though you can tell they are dead inside.

When a romantic interest jumps onto the social ladder, they are already starting above the friendship level. At that point they either climb that ladder all the way up to a wedding or just fall off completely.

Even your favorite “ex” lands in the same boat of failed love as all the other relationship failures from your past. It is sad, but true.

They are right next to your first girlfriend, your first love and your first mistake. All of them.

Even that girl whose mom you met 20 minutes after greeting the cops, in the nude, from the back seat of your car, while your age was used as a threat against you and your motives in that high school parking lot were questioned … on Christmas. Whew. Ahem … anyway.

Everyone should be treated the same after the break-up. Ideally, they should no longer exist to you, except in memory. It sounds harsh but it is for everyone’s benefit.

Remaining friends can only lead to further and prolonged heartbreak, an ill-fated attempt at rekindling the relationship or pure contempt and hatred.

It is always difficult to break up. Trust me, I know, I have been there. And by “there” I mean “an alcoholic.” There is going to be bitterness.

People who want to be friends with exes are like those weirdos who stuff their pets after they die so they can lean them against the couch while they watch syndicated “Jeopardy” reruns.

Accept it. Your dog is dead. And your girlfriend is gone. Both were dumb and neither would make a good friend at this point.

Dante Frattini can be reached at [email protected].